


What Ever Happened

by wookieeTHEcookie



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Family, Family Secrets, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Lost Love, Love, Love/Hate, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-13 10:18:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3377828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wookieeTHEcookie/pseuds/wookieeTHEcookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its been 5 years since the Blight. Alistair has finally turned his life around after having his heart broken and wandering Thedas in a constant drunken stupor for years. He now works as a guard in the city of Denerim and has rebuilt his life. Everything is routine until he runs into the last person he thought he would ever want to see and she has a secret in tow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I wanna be forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the first fan fics I have written, but I'm really enjoying it. I'm so grateful for the responses I have received so far. I am trying to stick to some of the canon of events along the timeline, but sometimes I will get it wrong or twist it to my own purpose. Hope that doesn't affect the story too much. Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

Alissa Cousland grabbed the next strangers arm. “Have you seen a little boy?” The old man just let out a grunt and scrunched his brow at her. She forgot how people were in the city. She had been in Denerim just two days and she was nearly ready to retreat back to Highever. People knew her there and they were certainly much kinder. She was the Teyrn's sister and that gained her at least a small pittance of respect in her home city. Here nobles came a copper a dozen, she was just one of many and likely not recognized on the streets. Usually she would consider that a good thing, but today she needed help and it was nowhere to be found. Her son was upset and lost in a city he didn't know.  

“Please has anyone seen a little boy?” 

According to his tutor he had left in a huff. Though not before kicking the poor man in the shin, declaring his hate for reading and writing and hearing boring stories. He had only just started and was already frustrated. Duncan was only 5, but old enough to start a proper education. He didn't quite understand why he wasn't allowed to spend the day playing anymore. And resentful he had been ripped from his home.  

Alissa brought her hands to the sides of her head, grabbing at her hair and shaking her head. She thought she could have pulled it out had she been any more frustrated in that moment. She wanted to give up and scream, but she took in a deep breath and calmed herself, trying to figure out where he could have possibly gone. Where would he be drawn? If she knew one thing about her son it was that he would follow his nose. Unfortunately that nose would take him to the market, one of the busiest districts in Denerim. 

* * *

 

 

“Would you stop grumbling Stew, we’re almost at the end of our shift. Half an hour and we can head back to the armory.”

“Easy fa yu ta say Alistair, ye ain’t got a bum leg ta drag ye. I use ta be quite the adventurer before I took an arrow to mah knee.”  

“Are you really on about that again? I thought you used to be a farmer before the Blight.”

“Aye, I were.” His fellow guardsman cackled. “Don’t take away mah stiff leg now do it?”

“Damn it man, just go back to the armory. I’ll finish the rest of the patrol on my own.”

“Dunt hafta tell me twice.” 

Alistair let out a groan and pulled up his drooping sword holster. At least twice a week he got stuck on patrol with Stew and he didn’t think he had ever seen the man finish an entire shift. He looked around scanning the streets. He thought he could make one more full circle and check out the alley near the emporium before he headed back to turn in his weapon. He had joined the city guard more than a year ago after putting his life back together, and it hadn't taken long to learn where to look for trouble. Trouble was exactly what he didn't hope to find this close to shift change.

He made his way around the market toward the alienage. He knew who the trouble makers were and he made sure their eyes met to make his presence known. He passed Grin, an old dwarf that he’d caught stealing undergarments of all things from the Orlesian woman’s stand a few weeks back. He called out to him across the street, “Don’t make any trouble for me today Grin, I’d like to get home on time tonight.” The dwarf grunted a laugh, “What, missin’ the bottom of yer cup?” Alistair shook his head, “Very funny.”

After the blight he had spent a lot of time in Denerim’s tavern and he was having a hard time shaking the reputation. He had become a bit of a drunk back then. Well fine, a lot of a drunk. He wasn't quite sure why he decided to come back to one of his old stomping grounds, but to be truthful there weren’t many taverns in Fereldan he hadn't stumbled into at one time or another. He had even spent some time in the Free Marches before turning it around. He let three years of his life get away before waking up and sobering up. For about a year he took mercenary work and earned his way back to Fereldan, paying back the establishments he had left with large open tabs. When he found himself in Redcliff his uncle Teagan offered to get him work in the Denerim city guard, said he was owed a favor by the captain. Having a place to give himself some sort of stability sounded good for a change, so he accepted. Now here he was, fallen from grace as a Grey Warden, but at least doing something halfway honorable. Although most of his heroism did consist of catching cutpurses and solving arguments between competing merchants.

He moved through the market, past one of the storage units when a small sound caught his attention. He listened for a moment as he approached a group of barrels. The barrels seemed to be whimpering. Alistair leaned over the barrel to peer over the top, finding a small boy curled up between two barrels and a wall. “You know for a moment there I thought this barrel might need my help, I thought I heard it crying.” The little boy looked up and shook his head, wiping tears from his face. “Can I give you a hand out?” he said reaching down with an open palm. The boy nodded his head and stood up taking his offer. Alistair lifted him out of his hiding spot and sat him on top of the barrel. “All right there lad?” The boy nodded his head again. “Well, have you got a voice?” The boy finally spoke. “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

“Oh. Well I’m not a stranger. I’m a city guard, one of the good guys. My name is Alistair." The boy was silent again. "I think your mommy and daddy would say it was alright for you talk to me. My job is to help people.” The boy nodded his head again giving Alistair a chuckle. “What were you doing behind that barrel?”

“I fell down there,” the boy said sheepishly.

“I gathered that. What are you doing over here by yourself? You seem awfully young to be mucking about on your own,” Alistair observed.

The boy sat on his hands and looked down at his feet, swinging them. “I ran away and I got lost. I was looking for my mummy.”

“Oh, well I can help you find your mummy, do you know where she is?” Alistair asked and the boy shook his head. “Ok, well what about your daddy, do you know where he might be or where he works?”

The boy brought his shoulders up to his ears sheepishly and looked up squinting one eye. “I haven’t got one of those.”

“You haven’t got a daddy? Well, I’m sorry about that lad, I know what that’s like myself.” He lifted the boy from the barrel lowering him down to the dirt and grabbed his hand. “Well then, let’s go try to find your mother. Maybe she went to the Chantry to see if anyone could help find you. Can you tell me what your mother looks like?”

The boy eagerly answered. “Oh yes, she has brown hair and brown eyes and she’s very beautiful.”

“Ok brown hair and beautiful, got it,” Alistair said laughing. “That shouldn't be too hard to find. Come on then.” He patted him on the back with a sigh.” Oh, I almost forgot, what's your name?”

“My name is Duncan,” he quietly answered.

Alistair nodded his head, pushing out his bottom lip and raising his eyebrows, he was impressed. He hadn’t heard the name in a long time. “Duncan, I knew a Duncan once,” he said with a reminiscent smile. “That is a great name. I rather like it. How old are you anyway Duncan?”

“I’m 5.”

“Ah, quite old I see,” Alistair jested.

The little boy laughed and his eyes beamed with pride at the comment. They passed a cheese and fruit stand and he could see the boy eyeing the food. “Have you eaten today Duncan?”

“Not since lunch,” he said with a pout.

Alistair let out a feign gasp. “Not since lunch? You must be absolutely starving!”  He walked to the stand and purchased a piece of cheese and split it in two. He brought the boy over to the corner where he sometimes ate his lunch. He squatted down in front of him with his back to the street to hand him a piece of the cheese. Duncan took it with a satisfied grin on his face.

They sat there both chewing for a moment. Just as he shoved the last bit into his mouth, he heard a frantic voice call out the boy’s name from across the street. Alistair looked back slightly and out of the corner of his eye could see a woman’s figure sprinting across the street towards them. He turned to look at the boy, still chewing. “Is that your mum?” The boy nodded. “Let hope she’s not too mad at us,” he said rubbing his hands together brushing crumbs off his fingers.

Alissa sprinted across the street, her heart felt like it had jumped from her feet to her throat. She had hoped Duncan hadn't made it this far away, but there he sat, leaning on the side of a building, a guard squatted in front of him. He was eating of course. _That child is always hungry_ , she thought. “Maker’s breath, Duncan! How could you run away like that? You had me completely terrified!”

Alistair’s heart dropped to his toes and he couldn't breathe in. He could feel the blood draining from his face. That voice sounded all too familiar. He was afraid to turn around to find out who it belonged to. He swallowed hard, contemplating what he would do if he turned around and it was _her_. He hoped to Andraste that it was just someone who sounded eerily like her.  

Alissa ran up in tears and grabbed her son, lifting him into her arms. She turned around to thank the guard who had found him. “I’m so sorry, thank you for…” She was suddenly speechless, she almost thought she went blind for a moment. She could hear nothing but her heart racing, beating in her ears. She saw a face she had never expected to see again. And of all the ways to see him again, he was standing there with her son.

Alistair slowly stood up, though he wasn't sure at that moment if his legs would actually work or buckle underneath him. He managed to take a breath in, but that seemed to just make the tightening in his chest even worse. He was standing face to face, looking into the eyes of the last person he thought he ever wanted to see again. “I…ah…Alissa?” The name crossing his lips again felt strange. “I…uh…this is your son?”

Alissa stood there, eyes wide, she felt like for a moment all she could do was stand there and blink. She noticed her mouth was gaping wide open. She held Duncan closer, squeezing him and let out a nervous laugh. “Alistair? What are you…? I… never expected to see you of all people in Denerim,” she breathed. Her eyes darted back and forth between the child she held in her arms and the man that stood before her. “Uh, yes this is my son. You found him?”

He broke his gawk, looking away motioning toward the place he had found the little boy. “He ah, got himself stuck behind some barrels. We were on our way to the Chantry to find his mother. I guess to find you. A bit ironic,” he let out a short nervous chuckle before bringing his fist to his mouth and clearing his throat. A million emotions flooded back, he couldn't believe he was standing in front of the woman who had broken his heart into a million pieces so many years ago. Or had he broken her heart? He couldn't even remember anymore, he just knew it had hurt. And he didn't know until this moment that it still did.

Alissa lowered Duncan to the ground, grabbing his hand. “Well thank you. I think we had better go,” she said turning to leave.

Something made him stop her. “Wait? What are you doing in Denerim? I've been here for a year, I've never seen you here before.”

She seemed hesitant to answer him, but she didn't want to be rude. “We just moved here, we’re actually staying in Arl Eamon’s old estate. It was gifted to my brother a few years ago and we decided to make use of it.” She wondered if she offered up too much information.

“Your brother Fergus,” he recalled. “I heard he just got married. Another girl from Antiva. I’m surprised they aren't staying in Highever.”

“Oh no, he's still there. I decided it was time to get out of his hair,” she said forcing a laugh. She couldn't stand the tension anymore. “I’m sorry, we must be going. We've wasted enough of your time I think.”

“No, no, it was no trouble at all,” Alistair insisted. “Just part of the job. It…ah… made for an interesting close to the duty day,” he said winking at the boy.  

Alissa smiled awkwardly, turning to leave. “Thank you for finding him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Alistair planted himself in the darkest corner table he could manage, raising his hand toward the barmaid for a drink. He wasn't the town drunk anymore, but that didn't mean he didn't still enjoy a pint or two of ale. He just made sure it was in moderation nowadays, and didn't leave him in debt again. He ran a hand through his hair from his forehead to the back of his neck letting out a heavy sigh. He had just seen a ghost, or at least it had felt like it. He had had a huge lump in his throat ever sense the encounter and he hoped the drink would help wash it down.

Alissa Cousland. Or he supposed it probably wasn't Cousland anymore. She had a son, he suppose that meant she had moved on from his sorry arse. What else could he have expected?  _Damn what that woman does to me_ , he thought swallowing. Five years. Five years had passed, he had went all that time without laying eyes on her and trying not to think of her. He wanted to forget. That is what the drinking was supposed to help him do, even though it never really did. The last moment he had seen her, years ago at the landsmeet, was still fresh in his mind. Seeing her in that moment in the market surprised him, but he was more surprised at himself. He used to think if he ever saw her again he would feel nothing but rage and anger, but an altogether different feeling had manifested itself. The barmaid slammed the pint he had ordered on the table, clapping it on the wood and spilling some of the foam over the sides. The sound snapped him out of his thoughts of self-pity. He shook his head and took a sip from the cup, letting out a satisfied grunt and licking some of the foam from his top lip. He stared down at the mug, losing himself in the amber of the mead, wondering how he was going to handle it. Even if he didn't see her again, he would know now that she was there and know that she was close. _Well my old friend,_   he thought raising his cup, _time to try to forget her again_. 

 

* * *

 

“Lady Cousland, are you alright?”

Alissa shook her head to clear it, taking a deep breath in. She was staring off blankly and had lost focus on the conversation she was supposed to be participating in. She took a drink from the tea cup sitting in front of her, looking down a bit in embarrassment. “Forgive me Lady Allana, yesterday I had quite the eventful day and I feel I’m still recovering.”

“Oh it’s alright, dear. Now where we’re we? Ah yes…”

The woman’s voice trailed off in Alissa’s ears again. Yesterday, Duncan ran off wild into the city alone and had found that last person she ever thought she would see again. She hadn't been able to focus on anything since. She had been trying to make herself useful since arriving in Denerim and had tasked herself with visiting some of Highever’s allied houses, attempting to keep the friendships secure. Today she was not doing a very good job of it. All she could think of was Alistair. The way she felt seeing him again. The feelings that had never went away in all those years.

She had not seen him since the day of the Landsmeet many years ago. She had made some difficult choices that day. Choices she knew Alistair wouldn't be happy with, but she never thought he would leave like he did. Leave her. Not knowing or caring that she did it for him, for both of them. So what if Loghain didn’t die that day. She had made his death more useful, asking him strike down the archdemon knowing it would end his life. Whatever he had done to betray Fereldan, he had achieved his atonement by giving his life for the Grey Wardens’ cause. That is what Alistair didn't agree with. He thought Loghain deserve a traitor’s death, but she was willing to do whatever it took to save both Alistair and herself. She didn't care in that moment what was best for the Wardens or Fereldan. She was selfish. She wouldn't lose Alistair to the archdemon, but she had ended up losing him anyway in the end. She spent a long time wishing she had just made the final blow herself.

“What do you think Lady Cousland?”

“Ah…of course,” she replied, looking at them pressing her teeth together in an attempted smile, hoping the answer was what they were looking for.

“Splendid! I’ll have my people get in touch with yours.”

 _Shit_. She wondered what she had just gotten herself into. “Well ladies, if that is all, I think I should make my way home. I find myself in need of some rest. I’m afraid you all have depleted my energy reserves for the day,” she said flashing her most charming and diplomatic smile.   


	2. And I don't want to be reminded

Alissa winced at the sound of metal scraping against porcelain. Fergus’s voice called out from across the table. “Duncan, I don’t think your mother likes our music,” he said feigning offense. She looked at Fergus with her lips pursed and eyes squinted in a death glare.  He let out a hearty laugh. Alissa couldn't keep the corners of her mouth from raising to a grin. “Keep teaching him bad behaviors and I’ll send you packing back to Highever.”

Fergus had come to Denerim, insisting on seeing that his sister had settled in fine the past week and a half. She suspected he also missed his nephew and had made the excuse to see him again. Fergus had been the only man in Duncan’s life since he had been born, he treated him like his own son. She knew it must not have been easy on either one of them to be separated. She wondered if she had been selfish breaking them apart, but knew it would be better for Fergus to have a chance to be with his new bride; give them a chance to have a life and hopefully start a family of their own. It had taken him this long to mourn the loss of his young family and move on to a new life, she wasn't going to do anything to stand in the way of that.

Alissa poked at the plate sitting before her, spearing a piece of beef and bringing it to her mouth. She watched as Fergus and Duncan talked and snickered at the opposite end of the table. They always seemed to be able to make their own fun at the supper table.

Fergus looked up at her, his face turning more serious as he chewed. “So, sister. Has anything…interesting…happened since you've arrived in Denerim?” His eyes said his question meant more than he presented.  

Alissa took in a breath and pressed her lips together, her eyebrows raised and her eyes afraid to meet his gaze. “Nothing I can think of, just getting used to the city.” She took another bite, her eyes veering off far to her right.

Fergus nodded, his knife moving back and forth cutting a piece of meat he was pretending to focus on. “Hmm, that’s strange. Duncan here was telling me all about a little adventure he had.”

Alissa’s eyes went a little wider and she swallowed. “Oh, yes, well that,” she tried coyly brush off.

“He told me he met a guard in the city who rescued him, help him find his way back to you.” Alissa took in another breath, all she could do was smile and nod. Fergus sat down his silverware with a clank and continued. “A guard named… _Alistair_.” Alissa’s eyes dropped and went blank, she could only bring herself to keep subtly nodding while pressing her lips together. Fergus let out an exasperated breath. “Is this the Alistair we know?”

Alissa opened her mouth finally, making a small click with her lips, still nodding. “It is,” she answered reluctantly. 

Fergus arched his back, bringing both hands behind his neck to massage it, then lowering them to rest on his thighs with his elbows pressed out. “What in the void is he doing in Denerim?” he said frustrated and shaking his head.

Alissa looked down, resting her elbow on the table and cupping her forehead in her palm. “I’m just as surprised as you, Fergus. I certainly did not expect it.”

“You spoke to him obviously,” Fergus said.

She nodded, swallowing another bite of food. “Yes, but it was brief. I just thanked him for finding Duncan and we left. I was rather cold to him actually, now that I think about it.”

“Have you seen him since?” Fergus questioned.

“No, I…I've been avoiding that part of the city,” she admitted.

He rolled his eyes. “Alissa, you can’t tiptoe around hoping you won’t run into him again. Perhaps you should come back to Highever. It might be better for you.”

She shook her head. “We aren't moving back. I told you this was permanent. I guess I will just eventually have to deal with it.”

“Well, if you are staying I think you should talk to him. I think you should tell him.”

Alissa let out a sharp gasp and coughed. ”What? Why would you say that? Are you mad?”

Fergus sighed. “It just doesn't seem like a fair secret to keep from a man.”   

Alissa sat up straight and pushed her shoulders back, putting her fork down and placing her hands in her lap. She squirmed slightly in her chair and shot Fergus her most diplomatic look. “I will take your suggestions into consideration.”

Fergus grunted. She was mocking him. “I hate when you do that.”

* * *

 

 

She had been avoiding the market all week, but Alissa had finally worked up the nerve to venture out. She decided if she did see Alistair, there was no use in avoiding him. She wouldn't stay in hiding any longer. She and Duncan had come out after his lessons. She had bribed him with the promise of a small treat if he listened to his tutor all week and he begged for it immediately after his last session. Duncan walked alongside her, enjoying a small cake he had picked out while she perused some of the goods at the stands. She hadn't really gotten a chance to get out to see what the market had to offer. They didn't have nearly the amount of wares in Highever as they had here. She hated to admit that she did so love to shop and she was glad to be in the market. And the hustle and bustle did give her a bit of excitement.

The pair passed a clothing stand owned by an Orlesian woman and stopped to take a look at the garments she had to offer. She pulled out a soft silk scarf in her favorite turquoise blue color when she heard a familiar voice calling out across the street. “Grin, I’m watching you!” A grey haired dwarf next to her grunted in surprise and quickly shoved some fabric negligee into a crate and trotted off in a hurry. Alissa giggled looking in the direction of the voice, an automatic reaction. She met Alistair’s eyes mid-laugh and looked down and away, biting her lip in embarrassment. Just then Duncan caught glimpse of the guard and tugged on her arm. “Mum, look it's Alistair!”

Alistair stood with his hands at his hips, shaking his head at the dwarf. He hadn't noticed the familiar figure standing to the right of him until she turned around, laughing. He lost his breath for a moment. The sight of her laughing was too much, but it was still good to see. He hadn't seen her during any of his patrols for more than a week, he thought for sure she had high-tailed it back to Highever after seeing him in the city. He couldn't help but smile back seeing her face lit, but she quickly turned away. He cleared his throat and squinted his eyes looking away from her direction, trying to act like he hadn't seen her or involuntarily smiled at her. For some reason it was too easy to forget everything and fall back into old habits seeing her. He was staring off trying to concentrate on watching the other areas of the market, then felt something thud into his leg and grab on. “Hi Alistair!” It was Duncan. Alistair laughed, pulling the boy from his leg and squatted down to his eye level. “Hey there little guy,” he said ruffling his shaggy hair.

Duncan had dodged off again, he had spotted Alistair across the street. Alissa dropped the scarf she held and dashed after him, watching him weave under stands and crawl through the dirt, then dive for the guard’s leg.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, running up out of breath. “He saw you and just took off.”

Alistair stood up “Well, fancy meeting you two here again. I thought for sure I had scared you off and you had run back to Highever.”

“No, we’re still here,” she breathlessly laughed.

Duncan reached up and tugged on Alistair’s fingers. “Alistair, I told my uncle all about you! I told him I want to be a guard when I grew up, just like you! I'm going to wear armor and have a sword and everything!”

Alistair laughed. “Well your mother used to be pretty good with a sword, maybe she can teach you.”

Duncan was awed. “Really mummy, you used a sword?”

“I did.” She pointed to the nearby weapons stand. “Tell you what, you can go over there and look at the swords, but promise me you won’t touch them.” The boy beamed, his eyes as wide as she had ever seen them. “Ok, I promise,” he said as he bolted off.

Alissa squinted her eyes in the sun a bit, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear watching her son in the distance. “He has spoken of nothing but you and his rescue since it happened. He likes you.”

“Well, I know I can be quite impressive,” he chuckled.

Alissa let out an awkward laugh pressing her lips together, the pair of them nervously trying not to look at each other, looking in Duncan’s direction instead. Alissa contemplated what her brother had said. She wanted to talk to him, but she had no idea what to say. “Alistair, I wondered something. This um…awkwardness between us. If we’re going to be living in the same city and running into each other, perhaps we should do something about that. Maybe we could talk sometime. Catch up as it were. I know when I saw you before I was quite cold, but I thought maybe we could be friends again eventually. My son seems to have taken a liking to you.”

Alistair was a bit surprised. He thought for a moment, trying to decide if it was a good idea or not. He didn't really care if it was a good idea, something made him want to be near her again and this was a chance. “Sure, why not? Can’t hurt anything, right?”

“Well I hope not. If it does we can…how did you put it…run scared back to Highever,” she said jokingly.

Alistair blew a chuckle out of his nostrils, his lips lifting to a grin. “Well I am off duty tomorrow, so tonight you will find me in the tavern enjoying a bit of ale. If you’d like to join me I get off at 5 and I’ll be there by 6.”

“Alright, it's a date. Shit!” Alissa said covering her mouth. “I mean, well you know what I meant, just an expression.”

Alistair laughed in amusement. “Of course, just an expression.”


	3. Please don't make this harder

“So... you’re a guard. In Denerim?” she chuckled. “I thought you hated Denerim.” Alissa wasn't sure what she was doing here. Alone. In a tavern. Drinking. With Alistair. And grinning like a fool at him.  

Alistair sat across from her with his arm propped up hanging off the back of his chair, looking relaxed. Or at least trying to look relaxed in front of her. “Well, it seemed as good a place as any. I had a job offer here, so I took it.”

Alissa lifted her head and scanned the room, remembering the last time they had been in the Gnawed Noble together. “The last I had heard you were…well…not in a good place,” she said raising her eyebrows looking down at her drink. “According to Leliana at least.”

Alistair raised his cup to his lips to take a swig, bringing the mug down with a smack. He shook his head, humored thinking about their old friend. “Still an information collector then, I wouldn't expect any less of her. I suppose you two still talk then. I ran into her a couple years back.” He sat up leaning his elbows on the table, looking down at his drink. “But yes, I’ll just say it. I was a drunk. I owed a lot of people a lot of money, but I've picked myself up since then. Paid off my debts.”

She smiled, biting her lip. “That’s good to hear. You know, you’re the only one I don’t still talk to from then,” she said looking down, stirring the foam around in her cup with a finger. “Even Wynne eventually came around.”

He lifted his eyes to watch her. The sight of her teeth scraping her bottom lip caused him to lose his breath for a moment. “Well,” he cleared his throat, “yes, anyway. How about you? I mean wow! You’re a mother and… you got married.”

Alissa coughed nearly choking and took a swig of her drink, nervously laughing. “Yes, I’m a mum, still seems strange to me too sometimes.” She looked around, not sure what to focus her eyes on. She threw back the rest of her drink. “I think I need another drink,” she said raising her hand toward the barmaid.

Alistair furrowed his brows giving her a strange look. She was dodging the question and he knew it. “Ah…What else have you been up to?”

Just then, her next drink was slammed down on the table in front of her. She breathed out, relieved the subject seemed to have changed. “Well, for a bit I stayed with the Wardens. We started to rebuild the order, did a bit of recruiting. I got them started at least, then they sent me off when I…well, you know,” she said shrugging her shoulders and looking away.  

“You son?” he said nodding.

She smiled and moved her head up and down in affirmation, sipping her drink again. Alistair looked up with a head shake, thinking about his old mentor, a twinkle or perhaps a little tear coming to his eye. “Duncan? Quite a name you picked out for him. I approve,” he chuckled.

Alissa beamed. “Duncan Bryce, after my father as well. I thought you might like it,” she said with a small laugh and a large grin. She bit her lip again, internally scolding herself for revealing that she cared what he thought of the name. She needed to distract him before he thought too hard about it. “Duncan…he did a lot for me…for both of us. I wish I would have known him longer than I did,” she said pressing her lips together, eyes down on her drink again. “Do you think you’ll ever go back? To the Wardens I mean?”

Alistair shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know that they would take me back after the stunt I pulled. I abandoned the order during a Blight,” he brought a hand up rubbing the back of his hair. “That’s about as bad as it gets for a warden I’m afraid.”

“It wasn't your fault,” she said nearly in a whisper, eyes looking down, hands wrapped around her drink.

Alistair took another drink. “It was, I try not to dwell on the decisions I made then,” he said shaking his head.

Her face went absent for a moment. “I dwell on it all the time,” she murmured. She looked up, meeting Alistair’s eyes. Her look sincere. “For what it’s worth…I’m sorry about what happened. I should never have…”

He quickly stopped her. “You had your reasons. I see them more clearly now.”

“Well, that is good to hear,” she said with a small smile returning to her face. “I thought you still hated me.”

“I never hated you Alissa,” he protested. “I was hurt. I felt betrayed. But I never hated you. I loved you, even after everything that happened.”

Her lips parted in a gape, she was slightly taken aback. To hear those words again, from his lips. _I loved you._ She moved her head back and forth, snapping herself out of it. “I was just trying to save us both. It seemed like the only way at the time.”

They looked at each other, eyes widened. For a moment there was awkward silence. Alistair cleared his throat breaking their gaze. “Yes, well, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let’s change the subject shall we.”

Alissa laughed, shaking her head at herself for ever thinking this was a good idea. “This was supposed to make things better between us, not worse.”

Alistair licked his teeth, deciding to be daring. “Well, since we’re on sore subjects, I was wondering who you got married to. Your…ah son… said he wasn't around anymore,” he inquired. 

“He told you that?” she muttered, bringing her eyebrows together in a frown.

“Well when I asked him where his father was he… said he didn't have one,” he said.

There was no use in lying about it now. “He doesn't," she straightened her back,"and I've never had a husband,” she confessed, her second drink loosening her tongue. “I thought to avoid the subject,” she bitterly chided.  

“You never got married?” he sputtered. “I…just assumed,” he said with a shoulder shrug. “I thought maybe it was some political thing, but I guess not. I suppose that means you ran off into the arms of another man after I left then.” He thought for a moment. “Was it that prick Zevran, swooping in at the first chance he got? I knew he had his eye on you. He seems like the sort to run off and leave a fatherless child behind,” he said ranting, drawing conclusions and angering himself.  

Alissa lifted her eyes to the ceiling and let out an annoyed sigh. “No, it wasn't Zevran. He was my friend and nothing more and he still is. Can we just not talk about this?”

His face was turning red as his blood pressure rose. He wasn't stopping now, he had a right to know. “I’m just curious who stole you out from under me,” he said moving his jaw back and forth. “I heard you got pretty friendly with some mage for a bit. Was it him? O-or maybe Nathaniel Howe, heard you were working with him too. I know how you like to forgive and forget when someone has betrayed the people you claim to love. It makes sense you'd end up with a Howe,” he said bitterly.

She glared at him, her eyes shooting daggers. “No one stole me from you Alistair, you left! I thought you said you were over this,” she spat.

He let out a heavy sigh, leaning his head into his hands and rubbing his temples. “Uh, forgive me. I've had too much to drink.”

Alissa stared at him blankly. “I think maybe I should leave.” She started to get up. “I’ll cover your tab.”

Alistair stood up, grabbing her wrist. His chair squeaked loudly against the floor. “Wait Alissa! I’m sorry,” he sighed. “You know how I get around you, I feel like my head might explode and everything just gets all jumbled up. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

Her eyes went back and forth between his hand on her wrist and his pleading face. She stood still, trying to catch her breath. His touch was sending jolts through her skin, and those eyes…She remembered those eyes. She loved those eyes. And those lips. And the rest of him. She lowered herself back to her chair and he broke his grip on her.

“This is very confusing,” she said her head lowered looking at her hands in her lap.

“I…know what you mean,” Alistair breathed. "Listen, I promise not to bring up anymore ancient history if you can do the same. I...think we've done our catching up. Maybe it's time to just... move forward." 

Alissa nodded. "That sounds like an excellent idea." She looked up at him holding her hand out with a smile. "Friends?" 

He took her hand, firmly griping her palm and shaking her hand. Their hands lingered for a moment too long. They both glanced at their hands meeting, finally awkwardly pulling away. "Friends," he said with a short laugh. 


	4. No, I won't yet

It was mid-afternoon and Alissa sat at her writing desk, staring at a blank piece of parchment, wondering what she would say. She leaned back with a sigh, sipping at her cup of tea. It had long gone cold, but the temperature was doing some good for the headache caused from the drinks of the night before. The last time she had written Leliana was when she had made up her mind to move to Denerim. That was months ago. Somehow she had made it through the night before unscathed and she needed to tell Leliana all that had happened. She wanted to tell her everything. How her heart stopped when she saw him for the first time again. How she wanted to run at the sight of him, but she wasn't sure whether it was away from or toward him. She needed to tell her how his eyes were still the same eyes holding her to the ground when she wanted to fly away. How she could barely bring herself to draw breath when he was around. How she might still… _love_ him, despite what she had endured without him. How he still seemed like the same man, just a little broken. And how she wanted to help him fix the break that she had caused. How the feeling of the brief touch of his hand on hers still lingered on her skin. But she couldn't bring herself to admit the words to anyone. She had barely begun to be able to admit it all to herself. Leliana would thoroughly disapprove of it all and tell her to leave at her first chance. But she couldn't. Even if she wanted to, she had committed herself to the city. No one yet knew her true reasons for departing Highever. Why she had really moved to Denerim. 

She looked back at the blank page, grabbing her quill. She knew her friend would need only a few words scribbled across the off-white of the parchment paper to tell she needed her help. _Alistair is in Denerim. What do I do?_ _–Alissa._ She carefully folded the parchment, sealing it with drops of wax and pressing it firmly. It would only be a matter of days and the letter would be in her hands, she would see her plea for help. Leliana would surely have a better answer than she could presently supply for herself. One of reason, instead of this lingering emotional attachment she couldn't break away from. She held the letter in her hands, hoping she would not regret whatever consequences its departure would bring. 

A voice called behind her. “Lady Cousland.” A man, a member of the estate staff spoke her name, clearing his throat. She turned from her desk, standing and pushing the chair underneath. “Yes?”

“There is a young lady here to see you, a Lady Nightingale,” he continued.

Alissa gave him a look of shock, speechless for a moment. ”What? What are you talking about?”

Leliana pushed her way past the man, seeing Alissa standing before her, her eyes wide with surprise. “I left as soon as I learned. I can’t believe I didn't know he was in Denerim, I would never have let you come here. Or…” she said coyly, “I could have had one of my contacts convince him it was time to leave the city behind, yes?”

Alissa waved, dismissing the servant. “Well hello to you too, Leliana. Shouldn't you be… oh I don’t know…in Orlais…with the Divine?”

Leliana walked past Alissa, making her way to the drawing room like it was her own home. “Justinia understands, I had a friend in need. She can do without me for a little while. Besides, she may have a few things for me to do while I’m here.” 

Alissa stuttered for a moment, eyes still darting back and forth searching for an explanation. “I…I was just about to write you. Why are…how did you…ah? Right...spy,” she said with a weak laugh.

Leliana grabbed the letter from her hand, breaking the fresh seal and reading the words she had just written. “When I heard he was in Denerim and then that you two were seen together, well, I thought I should pay you a visit. And this,” she said with a tisk. “This is all you put in your letter? How disappointing. You're such a tease. Luckily I don't have to rely on you to find out what's going on.”

“Yes…well,” Alissa said, lowering her gaze.

“Tell me everything. How in the void did you end up in a tavern, drinking with him? How could you even bring yourself speak to him?” Leliana softened, reaching out to her friend. “I know it must have been difficult for you. Seeing him again, after…so long.”

Alissa pressed her lips together nodding. “It was at first, but…I think we could be…friends.”

Leliana curled her lips in disgust. “What? Why? Why now?”

Alissa let out a heavy breath, shrugging her shoulders. “I…I don’t know. I guess my feelings have changed.”

“The problem is that your feeling haven’t changed,” Leliana said softly, gazing sympathetically toward her friend. 

Alissa closed her eyes, rubbing her brow. “Can you blame me? How can I help but have some feelings for him. He is after all…”

“I think those feelings are stronger than you are willing to admit.” Leliana interrupted.

She shook her head, breathing in deeply. “Perhaps they are, but we agreed to be friends.”

Leliana stood before her, grabbing her shoulders and looking her in the eyes, reaching a hand to brush a fallen hair from her face. “You asked me what I think you should do, but do you really want to know?”

Alissa nodded curtly. “I value your opinion.”

Leliana’s voice lowered, almost to a whisper. “Run. Get as far away from Denerim as you can and forget about Alistair.”

Alissa broke from her, turning away. “I can’t do that.”

“Why can’t you? You’re trained as an assassin, I could certainly put your skills to use, yes? Duncan would be well cared for in your absence. Your brother must miss him terribly.”

Alissa chuckled at the thought. Leliana had been trying to recruit her for years. “I’m afraid my blades have gone a bit rusty. I wouldn't be as much use to you as you think.”

Leliana took a seat on one of the mauve colored couches, leaning forward supporting her chin with her hand. “What about the Wardens then? They weren't very happy that you left. You were their commander, they would happily see you return. I know it pains you to sit around idle like some, well, boring noble. You were never one to live without purpose and I have a feeling sipping tea and making social calls isn't very fulfilling. Just because the Blight is over doesn't mean you've worn out your usefulness.”

Alissa stood crossing her arms, gripping her elbows. She still stood turned away from Leliana, her gaze turned to a painting on the wall. An oil painting depicting a scene from the Black Age, Bann Haelia Cousland driving the werewolves out of the Cousland lands. She took a short breath before looking over her shoulder toward her friend. “Leliana, there’s something I should tell you. I…the Wardens, they've asked me to work for them again, it’s why I’m here. They want me to establish a base in Fereldan again, in Denerim at the palace like they used to have. They want me to act as an ambassador of sorts. Where it goes from there I don’t know. But you’re right. I can’t sit around doing nothing anymore.”

Leliana’s mouth lifted into a grin. “I suspected you had some sort of…ulterior motive for moving to Denerim. Why all the secrecy?”

Alissa turned back toward her, raising a shoulder to her chin. “I don’t know, I guess I didn't think anyone would approve. Especially with me dragging Duncan along.” She paused for a moment, blankly looking past Leliana. “What if…what if I asked…Alistair… to help me?”

Leliana shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. For either one of you. And what if he agreed? Would you just go on pretending that nothing happened between you? Would you keep the fact that you have a son a secret?” 

Alissa sighed. “Of course not, he knows about Duncan. I mean, well, not _everything_ about him. But he knows I have a son. And…they've met. Entirely on accident, but they've met.”

“What?” she said with a laugh, holding her hand over her mouth. “He knows? All that time you two spent in each other’s tents and he doesn't even suspect. Doesn't he know where babies come from? Maybe Morrigan was right about the dog.”

The women looked at each other and broke out in girlish giggles, snickering and covering their mouths to suppress their laughs. Alissa covered her face and let out a long exasperated breath, slumping down into a large leather chair. “Uh! I don’t know what to do,” she said through her hands.

Leliana spoke, her tone more serious now, but soft. “Tell me this. Has he changed? Has he grown up these last few years? When I saw him, he was not the Alistair we knew. He was…different. Not at all in a good place and he was a raging drunk. And not a very nice one.”  

Alissa quietened. “He’s not like that anymore. I think he’s done well for himself. He…he’s still a bit angry with me, but only a little. Probably less angry than what I deserve. If I would have had to guess his reaction I would have thought he would spit at me if he ever saw me, but he didn't. He was kind.”

“You seem awfully defensive of him,” she teased. “The only question to ask yourself is this. Would he be good for Duncan? Do you want to let him into _his_ life?”

Alissa blinked for a moment, gazing off into nothingness. “More than anything.”

* * *

 

“Ah, finally come to run a dagger through my heart have you?” Alistair said matter-of-factly, opening the door to his small living space.

Leliana stepped forward, pushing the door open the rest of the way, banging it against the wall. She entered the room looking around at the humble room, removing her hood from the top of her head. “While that sounds tempting, that’s not why I’m here. Not today at least.” She scrutinized her surroundings. The apartment was small and had only one room, only slightly larger than the kind of rooms you could rent out of a tavern. It had a bed and a table, a small stove and a comfortable looking chair sitting in a corner. And that was about it.

He noticed her looking around, wondering if he should be embarrassed or proud. He motioned her to take a seat at the table. “It’s not much I know, but it’s the first place that’s ever really been my own. So to what do I owe this pleasure?” He walked over to the table, picking up a pitcher, tipping it toward her. “Drink? Don’t worry, it’s just water,” he chuckled pouring himself a cup.

Leliana walked to the chair, taking a seat in her calculated way as she crossed one leg over the other. “You seem to have picked things up since the last time I saw you.”

“Have I?” He said handing her a cup. “You’re shocked to find me in a house that I as a matter of fact own, instead of in a tavern struggling to stay seated upright,” he said with a chuckle.

“Something like that, yes,” she said, eyeing him. “I had heard you were in Denerim, I was passing through, so I wanted to drop by and see my old friend.”

“Cut to the chase,” he said with a sigh. “You know that Alissa and I have talked. And you’ve rushed in to save her from me. Like you always have.”

Leliana pressed her lips together and made her eyes small. “Maybe I have, but we both know she can take care of herself. I suppose I just had to see it with my own eyes. That you had really pulled yourself together. If you were anything like what I saw in Kirkwall, I couldn’t let you anywhere near her.”

Alistair took the seat on the opposite side of the small table. “I’m not the same man, if you could even call me that then. I was more like a shadow. I had two choices. Either sober up and quit moping around, or keep drinking and find myself dead in a gutter. I’m not too fond of being dead and even less a fan of gutters, so I chose option number one.”  

“And what made you suddenly realize your life was in shambles?”

“It wasn’t exactly sudden, was it? I wasted three years of my life being a bitter, angry drunk. Even when Teagan brought me back to Fereldan I kept going. One day I had been thrown from the tavern in Lothering, the one they had just rebuilt. There was this puddle. As I tried to pick myself up from the ground, I saw my reflection in it. I hardly recognized myself. When I finally was able to stand I walked behind the building…and I saw…a rose bush. Just like the one I had seen in Lothering years before. The blooms were just starting to open. I knew that the first one had been destroyed, but I thought to myself, if something good can grow here again, maybe there can be something good in me again too.”  

Leliana looked ahead, her look far-off. “I remember that rose bush. The Maker works in ways we cannot always see, but I know he put that flower there for us to see many years ago. Maybe he returned it to you again to show you his will once more.”

Alistair cleared his throat looking down at the water he held in his hands. “Whatever it was, it woke me up from a long slumber.”

Leliana was there when Alistair had given that rose to Alissa, and she had kept it for so long. She suspected she had it even still. She knew what it had represented when he gave it to her. Could this be the Maker's will? “Well, I suppose I’ve seen enough…for now,” she said raising from the chair. “I have eyes everywhere. Just remember they could be looking your way,” she paused, turning to face him, standing over him. “If you hurt her, you won’t see me coming.”  

Alistair swallowed. “Of that I have no doubt. That is a threat I find genuinely frightening.”

Leliana glowered at him, lowering her voice almost to a growl. “That’s a promise.”


	5. I wanna be beside her

A month or two earlier and his route would have been the same as always. Alistair’s patrol almost always took him the same way, but he found himself drawn to a different section of the city as of late. Just checking things out, changing things up a bit he told himself. Guards couldn't keep their routine the same all the time, had to keep any trouble makers guessing. It wasn't good to become predictable. The new route wasn't too far off his usual path, just a bit closer to the wealthier part of Denerim. It was only coincidence that it happened to pass near Eamon’s old place. Where the man usually stayed before improved status granted the Arl of Redcliff an estate closer to the palace. The Queen was in no doubt indebted to Eamon for his role in her ascension to the throne. Thinking about either one of them made him want to puke. The estate had been abandoned for years until its current occupants took residence.

Some days he could see people in the courtyard when he passed. The little boy would sometimes be out playing, running amuck, or hitting his tutor with a stick. Alistair laughed when he would see him try to climb the gates, planning another escape. He even saw him running naked through the mud once. The tutor had quite a time trying to catch him that day with no pieces of clothing to grab onto. His rebellious nature reminded him a bit of the types of stunts he liked to pull when he was younger, always keeping the Chantry sisters on their toes. Sometimes the boy would make it to the gate and spot him and just wave with the widest grin on his face until the tutor snatched him away. A few times he would see Alissa chasing after the boy instead. It seemed more like a game when she would do the chasing, she and Duncan always broke out in fits of laughter once he was caught. The last time she caught Alistair watching as he happened by during their chase and she had looked away shyly after shooting him a smile and short wave.  

It had been a few days since Alistair had seen anyone outside. He didn’t realize how much he was starting to enjoy his new patrol route. He wondered if he was being a bit creepy, watching them from a distance like some lecher. The other guards he patrolled with hadn’t said anything, so maybe he wasn’t being quite as obvious as he thought. For now he was back in the busy market district, making his way toward the Chantry where his route would intersect with another pair of guards. They would usually stop and talk for a few moments, exchanging information or even just try to kill some time until the end of their shift when it started to grow close.    

Alistair and his fellow guardsman had positioned themselves at the crossing of their route, waiting for the other two to make their way over for a brief chat before heading back toward the market district. The streets were busy today but that didn't stop him from seeing Alissa in the distance, easily picking her out in the crowd. “Hey Stew,” he said tapping his partner on the arm. “Stick around for a minute, will you? I’ll be right back.”

He walked through the crowd, keeping his eyes on her. She looked different this time. The last few times he had seen her she had been dressed in fancy clothes, usually a dress of some kind. And her hair had been pinned up. Even when she came to the tavern. This time she looked closer to the Alissa he knew. She wasn't wearing armor, but she was dressed more simply than usual. She wore darker clothes. Dark brown riding boots and tan leather trousers. She wore some sort of ranger coat that was made out of a dark brown material and it had a large hood attached that she had drawn back. It was tight around her arms and her breast, but lose around the bottom and she had a belt pulled around to clinch it at the waist where her daggers rested. Her hair was in a long loose braid that cascaded down the front of her shoulder to her chest. Loose strands of her dark brown hair hung framing her face. She looked almost the same as the day he had left her years ago.  Maybe more beautiful having grown fully into her own, completely comfortable in her skin.

Alissa walked through the busy streets, scanning the large crowd. She had just returned from Highever for a brief visit with her brother. Fergus and Duncan had both begged to let him stay for a while, so reluctantly she left her son behind for a week with his uncle. She hoped the break would see him return a little less rebellious. It would also give her opportunity to complete some work for the Wardens, free of distractions. She set through the streets, trying to weave her way through the crowd while holding her things close. The streets were full, people were pouring into the city for the upcoming Wintersend holiday. For a moment the crowd parted enough for her to catch a glimpse of a face she knew and would recognize anywhere. Alistair was walking toward her, an unusual grin spread on his face. He almost looked happy to see her for once. She couldn't help but smile back. They had only seen each other in passing since the night they’d decided to try to be friends nearly two weeks ago. So far their strategy seemed to be avoiding speaking to each other. Something today, perhaps noticing her absence from Denerim the past few days, had made Alistair anxious to see her and speak with her again. He rushed toward her without really thinking.

Alissa was having a bit of difficulty passing through the crowd. Alistair’s guard uniform made it a bit easier for him to get to her, a few people moved aside at the sight of his armor. He reached past a few bodies and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her through closer to him. She tripped for a moment, falling into him and using his chest to steady herself.

“Thanks for that,” she said with a laugh. “Seems I have my own personal guard at my disposal.”

“Well, I've always been the 'knight-in-shining-armor' type,” he said puffing out his chest in jest. “Just thought you looked like you could use some help. The city gets a bit wild during these celebrations, this one’s the worst. This time last year I had only been in the guard for about a month. It was a nightmare,” he shuddered.

“I can see,” she said as someone bumped past her shoulder jolting her slightly making her gasp, “how it would be a bit overwhelming.” She looked up at him and let out an exasperated breath. His eyes were shooting daggers into the culprit responsible for jerking her.

Alistair placed his hand behind the small of her back, helping her through the herd. He had a sudden unnerving urge to protect her. “Where are you headed? Home?”

“No, I’m afraid not,” she sighed. “This gaggle makes me want to crawl inside and hide, but I’m meeting someone,” she said wearily looking around at the crowd.

“Oh, anyone…special, or…?” A ping of jealousy in his voice.

She scoffed. “No, nothing like that, just some business.”

“I ah…didn't mean…I…nevermind.” Alistair cleared his throat trying to hide his relief. A change of subject was in order. “Oh. Did I tell you someone came and paid me a visit the other day?”

Alissa looked down smiling and wincing at the same time. “Let me guess. Leliana? I’m sorry, I hope she didn't make _too_ many death threats.”

They stopped, having successfully made their way to an opening, close to where the other guard stood waiting for Alistair to return. “Ah, only one or two,” he chuckled. “No more than she usually does.”  

Alissa laughed, crossing her arms. “Well you’re talking to me so I suppose she wasn't that scary.”

Alistair put his hands on his hips and shook his head. “No, no, she was quite scary. But you know me. I like to stare death in the face and laugh. Ha ha ha!”

Alissa laughed again. Alistair couldn’t help but watch her, the way her face lit and her eyes lifted, even when she was only barely amused. Maker even her teeth were beautiful, like pearls grazing her lips. Looking at her, even just being near her made any bitterness he had tried to hold inside want to shrivel up and die. They looked at each awkwardly for a moment, just as they had found themselves doing more and more as of late.  Both of them trying not to smile too largely.

Alissa looked past Alistair, peering around him. “Well that man over there is giving us quite the scowl,” she said pointing to Stew, “so perhaps I should take my leave and let him have you.”

“Oh Stew is harmless,” he assured. “He’s just calculating how early he can manage to slip away before the end of his shift. I think I’ve put a wrench in his plans by stepping away.” He watched her softly chuckle again. “You never said where you were headed, and dressed like a normal person too. And you’re armed. Hope you aren’t expecting any trouble.”

Alissa looked down at her garb. “Not too much I hope, I have to head down toward the docks, so I thought it would be better not to look like I had any money to steal. Never hurts to be prepared,” she said roguishly. Alistair gave her a quizzical look. “Oh don’t worry, I haven’t gone completely soft. I can still take care of myself. Besides I’m quite happy to ditch those damn dresses. I feel more like myself than I have in quite a while. I’m tired of having to keep up appearances for people I can’t stand.”

“I like it. You look more like yourself. I mean…more like the ‘ _you’_ that I knew. You look nice.” Alistair looked away, trying to hide the pink rising in his cheeks. 

Alissa cleared her throat. “Yes, well. I really should go if I have any hope of making it through this mess within the next hour.”

“I guess I should get back to work then,” he groaned, running his hand down the back of his hair. “Watch yourself.”

One corner of her mouth rose as she grinned to herself. “I always do.”

Alistair rejoined his partner, moving to his side. He kept an eye on Alissa until she disappeared into the crowd. He sighed heavily. “Shit,” he cursed under his breath, looking down at his feet. He was damning himself for becoming so flustered by her. He could feel himself falling under her spell again, even if most of their encounters had only been brief.   

“Who was that beauty?” Stew asked.

Alistair's head shot up as he scowled at him. “No one to concern yourself with.”

Stew nodded. “Aye, you got a claim on er then?”

“No I haven’t got a _claim_ on her! She’s just a friend,” Alistair attested.  

The man raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Seems like the type o friend I’d lik ta ‘ave. Dishy little tart if ye take ma meanin.”

“Hey! Why don’t you just shut up!” Alistair puffed. “Don’t talk about her like that or you’re going to end up with a foot up your arse,” he boomed.

“Heh. Struck a nerve, did I? Just testin the waters,” he cackled. He nudged an elbow into Alistair’s side. “I can tell ye been there before.”

Alistair brought a hand up rubbing his temples. “Sweet Maker man, just stop talking,” he groaned. His fellow guardsman cackled again, this time loudly while holding his belly. Alistair shook his head, glaring at the man. He wished Stew had already made his usual excuse to cut out early blaming his gimpy leg. Right now he couldn't stand to even look at him.


	6. She wanna be admired

Although her father had briefly been a member of its ranks, Queen Anora still held contempt for the Grey Wardens. The order had been granted their fortress in Amaranthine, but they still sought to establish a base within the walls of the palace. They needed a seat in the landsmeet and to be among the queen’s advisors.  Anora had yet to allow them to walk within the city, much less let them establish any sort of influence. That is why, for now, Alissa had to tread lightly. She needed to make the right contacts before approaching the queen. Gone were the days of Maric and Cailin, both had the utmost respect for the Wardens and worked closely with them. Now they were often looked at with mistrust. How soon Fereldan had forgotten the events of 5 years ago, when it was nearly lost to the Blight.  Alissa knew some still doubted the legitimacy of the 5th blight, and Queen Anora still blamed the Wardens for the death of her husband and her father.

Before her departure, Leliana had helped Alissa establish a contact within the palace. They were working on placing their own agent inside as well. If they couldn't convince Anora, then maybe they could gather enough dirt to sway her decision. Not that Alissa didn't already know a few secrets about their dear queen that she wouldn't like getting out. She had just finished her meeting with the palace contact. It was brief and he was quite reluctant to share anything with her. He didn't quite trust her yet. _All in good time_ she told herself.

For now she just sought a chance to relax. The city was absolutely bustling and the noise had worn on her nerves. For the first time she was away from Duncan and that wasn't doing anything to help either. That is how she found herself now at the Pearl, several drinks in and ready for more. It was away from the heart of the city so it wasn't nearly as busy as some of the other establishments would be. And it was close to the docks where her meeting had been. Sure it was a brothel, but it was also one of the better places to fill up on wine and ale. Plus she knew the owner and she would make sure Alissa wasn't bothered. She was starting to slump down in her seat as she stared at the bottom of her cup, contemplating ordering another refill. The mead here was a little better than what they served at the Gnawed Noble, but it was still swill. It didn't matter though, she was far enough in not to notice the taste anymore.  She wondered exactly how much she would regret this in the morning.

Alissa raised her cup, signaling she was ready for another drink. She looked toward the door and watched a few people walk through the door. It took her a second to focus on their faces. She sat up straight thinking one looked familiar. Alistair. He noticed her of course and knew she was looking right at him. He was mortified, hoping for a second she didn't recognize him, but it was clear she did when she sat up in her chair gawking. There was nothing left to do but go to her and explain what he was doing in a brothel. Alissa watched one of the blurry figures come closer, she suddenly realized who was standing in front of her as her vision cleared. “Oh shit!” she said startled.

“Well this is embarrassing,” he said taking a seat next to her. She was staring at him, cheeks rosed pink and eyes glazed from drink. Any stiffness she had previously exhibited in his presence was gone. Each time he saw her, it was becoming harder and harder to ignore the feelings stirring deep in his gut. Her current state made it all the more difficult. This was _his_ Alissa sitting before him now, all her inhibitions and discomfort with him washed away by ale. How easy in this moment it would be to cross out the last 5 years of their lives, pretend none of it had ever happened and that no time had passed since their last embrace. She was the first woman he loved and she was still the last. Touching her would be like returning home after a long journey. The last time he felt like he had a home was when he was with her and with the Grey Wardens.     

Alissa burst out laughing. “Don’t worry,” she slurred, swinging her arms, “I might not even remember this in the morning.” She was definitely drunk. Very drunk.

Alistair groaned, rubbing his temple trying to hide his blush. “I swear it’s _not_ what it looks like. I tried to go to a few different taverns and they were all full. This was my last resort. I’m here for the same thing you are.”

Alissa looked at him raising her eyebrows and grinning. “Well how do you know what I’m here for?” She laughed and patted him on the arm. “I’m only joking, lighten up. I’ll buy your story for now.”

He sighed. “Forgive me. I have had a _very_ long day. And I don’t think I’ll feel better until I've caught up with you dear lady,” he grinned.

“Dear lady?” she scoffed. She looked down, pretending to examine herself then shrugging. “I suppose I do have the right parts, so I’ll let that slide.”

Alistair laughed, shaking his head at her and trying not to think about those parts. She was quite amusing. He watched her as she slunk down in her seat again. “You are very drunk.”

She sat up straight again, holding a hand to her chest. “I am? Me? Drunk? Perish the thought,” she said with a large gesture, nearly knocking over her mug and gasping. She blew out a short laugh through her nose and closed lips, spitting a little. She brought her fingers up to press on her lips, peering out of the side of her eyes a little embarrassed.

Alistair grabbed her cup to steady it as he chuckled at her display. He then started on his first drink, chugging it and ordering another. “So, how did your ‘meeting’ go? I see you made it away safely.”

She stuck out her tongue and gave him a thumbs down. “It was shit, that’s what is was. Bugger didn't give me a lick of information I was looking for. Waste of time.”

He worked on his second drink, letting out a satisfied moan. “What are you up to anyway?”

Alissa leaned over close, looking mischievous and trying to whisper. “If I told you I would have to kill you.” She watched him down another drink and signal for his next, looking at him wide eyed. “You weren't joking about catching up were you?”

“Nope,” he said with a pop. “Trying to forget my problems for bit.”

“Well I suppose I’d probably have to leave for that to work now, wouldn't,” she resolved to herself hanging her head.

“Hey,” he exclaimed, reaching his hand out to lift her chin to have her look him in the eyes. “Now why would you say that? I don’t want you to leave.”

“Really? You swear,” she begged, inching a little closer to him.

Another drink down. “Of course. Quite the opposite actually. You just might be growing on me,” he said nudging her with his elbow and grinning at her.

“Oh, well that’s a lovely sentiment isn't it?” She looked contemplative for a moment, trying to decide if she wanted to keep talking. “I think I might like being around you too. I mean you are still very handsome, so it’s not like you aren't nice to look at,” she teased.  

He let out a chortle. “You’re no ugly duckling yourself.”

“Is that all?”

He hesitated for a moment, his head starting to buzz. He wondered for a moment whether he wanted to go down this road again. “You know you’re still gorgeous. You don’t have to hear it from the likes of me.”

“But I want to,” she grinned, taking her index finger and bopping the tip of his nose.

“Don’t tempt me. A few more and I might be professing my love for you again.” Alistair couldn't believe what had just escaped from his lips. The drinks were hitting him all at once.

“One can only hope,” she muttered.

They were dancing around dangerous territory. “You don’t really want to go there again do you? That is not a place good for either one of us.”

“Why not? I loved you…I think…I think I still do,” she said as if she were just coming to the realization.

And there it was. In wine there is truth. Alistair sighed heavily. “Alissa, don’t. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

She threw him a nasty look. “I know exactly what I’m saying, you can go fuck yourself.”

“Calm down, woman! Do you realize you just told me you loved me and then to go fuck myself in almost the same breath,” he bellowed.     

Alissa covered her face with both hands. “I did? I didn't think I was the sort to swear like that,” she said genuinely surprised.  

“I think it’s time I got you home,” he softly laughed. “You have obviously had enough to drink.”

Alissa clamped her eyes shut and tears began falling down her cheeks. “Maker! I’m so sorry. I've just made an absolute fool of myself.”

“No you haven’t. Let’s just go. I’m fairly sure you won’t make it without my help,” he said grabbing her arm, pulling her up from her seat.

Once they were outside it didn't take long to run into the city traffic. He held her close to keep her upright, though he was growing dizzy himself. It was still crowded in the streets but not nearly what it had been earlier in the day. A majority of the visitors had made their way to taverns or Inns. The tradesmen who had traveled in for the holiday would be busy preparing their wares. They stopped for a moment as Alissa searched for a place to heave up her stomach contents. She let loose behind a barrel as Alistair held back her hair and ran a comforting hand up and down her back, telling her to let it all out. The walk in the cold air brought a chill to both of their cheeks, sobering both of them up slightly. Feeling better after having found something to wash out her mouth, she was ready to move on. Ready to find her bed.

As they made their way through the streets, Alistair gripped her tight around the waist. He was not letting her go. The further they traveled from the place she had said those drunken words, the more he wondered if it had just been a dream. Something he had imagined. _I loved you, I think I still do_. Did she really speak those words?

Finally they had made it to the darkened estate. Once they were inside no servants came to greet them, most had already gone off to bed. It was up to him to make sure she made it to her chambers. She leaned on him the entire way. If she had been able to stand on her own she still would not have, lest he let her go. She wanted him to keep holding her close, she was enjoying his warmth and his smell, even just listening to him breath. She pointed him the way to her quarters and his eyes widened wondering how he would get both of them up the stairs. He used the wall to brace himself as he climbed each step, hoisting Alissa along.

They were nearly to the last few steps and Alistair lost his footing, stumbling over his own feet. They both tumbled halfway down the staircase before he was able to catch them both. He scrambled to make sure she hadn’t been hurt, but when he lifted her face she was laughing, nearly hysterically. He couldn’t help but burst out and for a few moments they just sat on the steps, tangled up and in stitches. When their laughter subsided they were left staring at each other in silence, each trying to catch their breath. It was like they had suddenly just realized how close they actually were, and how easy it would be to just inch a little closer and press their lips together. Alistair’s eyes drifted to her lips, perfectly shaped and perfectly pink. He wanted to reach out and touch them, to taste them. He was almost sure she would have let him. But he wasn’t going to let himself. He broke his gaze, clearing his throat. Alissa turned her head looking away, a fleeting looking of embarrassment and anger momentarily brought to her face before she was pulled up to her feet.

Once they were on the landing she started to drag her feet, nearly ready to pass out. Alistair lifted her and carried her the rest of the way, to the end of the hallway where her chambers sat. The door opened with only a small click and he carried her over to the bed, pulling back the quilt and lowering her slowly onto the bed. For a moment she tried hold him there, keeping her arm wrapped around his neck. She lost her strength and the desire to be awake any longer and let her arm go limp. He pulled the blanket over her and she closed her eyes, letting out a long sleepy sigh. He lingered over her, watching her drift off. He watched her chest rise up and down as she breathed and admired the beauty of her face, his eyes tracing the outline of her jaw, her lips, her nose, and the arch of her eyebrows. All of them pieced together to form an incredible, beautiful creature. He found his hand reaching out and brushing her cheek. It was warm and soft and he realized not his to touch. He shook his head, scolding himself. He turned away to leave. As his hand gripped the door handle he heard her voice call out, giving him pause.

“Wait,” she whispered. “Please don’t go.”

He hesitated, weighing his options. Whether he stayed or went, either decision would change everything. “Alissa… I can’t.”

She rolled on her side and propped herself up, ready to beg. “It doesn't have to mean anything, Alistair. Just stay with me so I don’t have to be alone.”

He rubbed his temples, considering for moment. He sighed heavily. “I…I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

She laid back down, satisfied with his answer. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they or won't they? Could some smut be coming soon?


	7. You say please don't make this harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "All I Want" by Kodaline is a perfect companion song to this chapter. It popped up on a playlist I was listening to when I was editing this and I was like woah!

“I don’t want anything to do with this place, or you people…ever!”

The words echoed through Alissa’s ears sending searing pain throughout her body, sickening her.  She had had this nightmare many times before. It always felt real. In her dreams Alistair had left her many times. Alone, empty, and heartbroken. In her dreams she was always holding the babe as he walked away, both of them shunned and left behind.  

Alissa awoke in a panic. She inhaled deeply trying to calm her racing heart, reminding herself it was only a dream. Her eyes flung open as the memory of the night before returned. She shot up searching the room, unsure if she was afraid Alistair had left or afraid he hadn't. When she saw him there asleep on the floor, she felt a wave of relief. He had stayed. She slowly moved to the edge of bed slowing her rapid breaths, not realizing how terrified she had actually felt in the previous moment. Alistair was on the floor laid flat on his back with a hand behind his head and the other resting on his chest. Sometime in the night he had grabbed a pillow. His tunic had rode up just slightly enough for the hair trailing down from his belly button and the skin beneath to peek from above his belt. She watched him breathe, watched his face twitch just slightly. His face was completely relaxed. In his slumber he looked so much like the son she had watched in his sleep many nights before.  

Alistair shifted sensing her gaze, raising his head and looking through blurried eyes. He blinked adjusting to the light now filling the room. Alissa watched as he sat up slowly, moaning from the stiffness in his back from sleeping on the hard floor. He sat for a moment cross legged, rubbing his neck to nurse the crick that developed in the night. His body ached, but he had awaken in more pain and worse places than this after a rough night of drinking. A clean floor next to a beautiful woman he didn’t mind. He hadn't meant to stay the whole night, but as he looked up at her sitting on the edge of the bed weakly smiling at him he couldn't regret staying.

It was quiet for a few moments as they both looked at each other figuring out what could be said about the night before. Alissa was the first to speak. "Thank you for staying with me. It was nice not to be alone for once."

He tossed the pillow toward the bed. "My back is paying for it, but I'm… _glad_ I stayed. How are you feeling?" he groan as he lifted himself from the floor. 

"Not that bad considering," she said sleepily.  

"You’re lucky," he groaned again massaging his temples as he found a large cushioned chair in the far corner of the room opposite the bed. He let out a short chuckle as he sat. "You got pretty pissed last night." 

"Ugh not enough,” she said covering her face, peaking through her fingers. “I remember everything. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"Think nothing of it. You didn’t know what you were saying. I mean, sure there was one point I couldn’t tell if you wanted to kiss me or rip the skin off my face, but don’t worry about it. Ahh, good times," he chuckled.

She pressed her lips together, staring down at her feet hanging from the bed. She noticed she had at least managed to kick off her boots at some point in the night. "Thank you for making sure I made it home."

"Of course, I would never just leave you." He sighed. She looked at him pained, the nightmare fresh in her mind. There was silence for a moment as both realized the words had an underlying meaning for Alissa. Of course she would be afraid he would leave, he had done it before. He watched her as her face creased. “Maker’s breath. I…I mean, I wouldn’t just leave you there.” He leaned down, hanging his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes.

“No, of course not Alistair, you would never leave,” she said with a note of bitter sarcasm. “That’s not in your nature.”

“Would you believe me if I said I was sorry? I did enjoy spending time with you…as a friend.”  

They sat in awkward silence, unable to look at each other. When he glanced at her he could see the torture spread across her face. It was obvious she had something to say, she was having some sort of internal struggle as her eyes moved in different directions and she tried to find the words or the courage to say them. She let out a heavy sigh and finally spoke, shaking her head. She could no longer stand this purgatory. “What happened last night…I…I don’t’ think I can do this any longer.”  

He swallowed. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t keep faking this….this friendship.” She watched Alistair as his lips parted and his brow furrowed in confusion. “I can’t keep pretending that I don’t have feelings for you. Pretending that I don’t… love you.” He hadn’t expect this. Insinuating some feelings under the influence of ale was one thing, but she had come right out and said it. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together, tears slowly fell from her eyes. She was ready to let it all out, to tell him everything. How she felt, about Duncan, all of it. “I love you Alistair. There’s no way around it, no matter how much I try not to. I love you.”

His face curled into a scowl, as if the words were an insult. He stood rushing toward the door, panicking. Not because he heard the words but because he wanted to say them back. He hesitated for a moment with his hand on the door as heat rose to his face. He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to forgive her. He had to escape. He threw the door open, slamming it behind him in a storm. Alissa was left staring at the door, blinking in shock. She would never get the chance to tell him the truth.

He made it to the stairs and stopped, taking a few breaths as his hand rested on the banister. He wondered what he had done. Why had he left? Again? He turned around changing his mind, rushing back to her door hoping desperately that it wasn’t too late. What ever happened before, it didn’t matter anymore. He stood in front of the door, breathing heavily and his heart pounding. He grabbed the handle and pushed, not bothering to knock. Alissa was still sitting on the bed, he watched as she wiped away more tears from her swollen eyes. She was startled, gasping when he ripped through the door. He latched the door behind him, standing in the entrance staring wide eyed, asking himself what he was doing. She stared back, her eyes just as wide and mouth gaping. He had come back.

Alissa stood from bed and walked toward him slowly stopping at arm’s length. They both stood motionless, chests rising rapidly looking at each other, blinking. Alistair reached out and grabbed her by the back of the head and cupped her face, quickly drawing her face to his, pressing their lips together, gentle at first but faster and harder as each moment passed drawing only quick breaths between. He parted her lips, thrusting his tongue inside, tasting her sweetness. She reciprocated, tasting him just the same. She wrapped her arms around his neck, running her hands up and down through his hair, pulling at him begging for more. He surfaced for just a few seconds breathlessly, he pulled back looking her in the eyes as he brushed the hair back from her face. “I love you too.” He had finally said the words, admitting them to himself and her at the same moment.

Alistair lowered his hands to the small of her back, grabbing her hips, pressing her into him, bringing her body as close as he could to his. Tasting her again, he lowered his hands further still, down to her buttocks. Lowering them between her legs, his palms ran down the back of her thighs and parted them, lifting her. He carried her toward the bed, thrusting his tongue to hers over and over again, the taste growing ever sweeter. “I’ve missed you,” he breathed as he lowered her to the mattress settling himself between her legs. She stopped for a moment, holding him by the collar. She searched his face as she tried to draw her breath. “This is what you want?” she questioned. “More than anything,” he said with pleading eyes.

She grabbed his face, drawing him to her lips again. She lowered her hands down his sides sheepishly lifting the bottom of his shirt and pulling it over his head as he lifted his arms. She paused to look at his bare chest and ran her fingers down feeling the warmth of his skin, her fingertips grazing shallow scars over his chest and ribs. She almost forgot what it felt like to be with a man. He didn’t know he was the last she had touched. Bringing her nails softly down his back she drew him closer again to kiss. He ran his palm up her sides, bringing his hands to cup her breasts. His thumbs moved between her breasts and drifted to her hardened nipples massaging them as his lips went down her neck. Both of their breaths were growing heavier. He lowered himself and tugged at the bottom of her blouse, kissing each new patch of skin he exposed as his lifted it slowly. He stopped just before reaching her bosom, meaning to savor the moment of their unveiling. He slid his hands under her shirt, loosening her bindings and running his hands over her bare skin, grazing her nipples, before finally removing the shirt completely.

He sat up to look at her for a moment as he spread her with his knees, admiring her form. She started to tremble as his eyes went over her. Her body had changed, stretched and worn from carrying life inside her and ravaged by the trauma of birthing. She had stretch marks and scars, and although she was still thin she was not in the shape she had been 5 years ago. In nervousness she moved to cover her stomach and her breasts. He pulled her hands away as he lowered himself onto her, feeling her glorious bust against his bare chest. She was still just as beautiful to him, maybe even more so now. Skin on skin now, they pressed their lips together again and his hands returned to her breast, thumbs moving over her nipples in circles. His cock was fully hardened now beneath his smalls. He had settled between her spread thighs and she could feel his erection grazing against her, hitting just the right spot and causing her to breathe out and gasp in pleasure as her bud swelled at its touch. She was sure he could bring her to orgasm just like this if he tried.

His kisses were trailing down her neck again until he was between her breasts, he surfaced to admire them again a few seconds before taking one in his mouth while his palm ran lightly over the other. She had no hope of catching her breath now, her fingers were running through his hair pulling him closer as his lips and tongue kissed at her peaks. He moved his lips down her stomach as he lowered his hands down her sides. He looked up at her as his fingers hooked under the edge of her breeches and slowly tugged them down. His lips followed, kissing each inch of new skin until he was at her feet yanking the last bit of clothing away.

Slowly he crawled back up, his desire obvious in his eyes. Not just for her physically, but to connect with her again, to be what they were before, to make all the pain go away for each other. She pulled him up to her lips again, burying her mouth in his in desperation. She wanted to make sure this was real, that he was real, that he was really there touching her. She stopped breathless for a moment, pulling back grabbing his face to look at him, their eyes locked. He could see the fear in her eyes. He caressed her cheek and brought his lips to her forehead breathing in. “I’m here,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere ever again if you don’t want me to.” She held his hand, moving to kiss it and nodding.

Their lips were together again. She pushed up on his shoulder and moved over him, rolling him to his back, ready to take control. No more hesitation and no more reassurance were required. Her lips moved to his chin and down his neck and slowly traced down his chest and abs. Her fingers followed. He was warm, muscles still rippled strong under his soft skin and he still smelled exactly the same. She undid his belt grinning at him and pulled it from its loops. He groaned as she ran her hand over his bulge teasing him. Finally she moved to undo the buttons on his trousers and began pulling them down. If she had meant to slowly remove them her plans were foiled as Alistair quickly aided her kicking them off, causing her to giggle.  

She was straddling him now, nothing stood between them any longer. His member had sprang from his smalls fully swollen, hard and ample. It had never left her unsatisfied and wanting. Looking him in the eyes she slowly lowered herself onto the head of it, feeling it spread her and slide into its sheath. She watched him as he breathed out in pleasure. She lowered herself further, inching down the staff slowly, wetting it with her moisture until it was slick and easing in and out of her. She let out a soft moan as she felt its warmth fill her and she quickly came. Feeling that a piece of her that had been missing for far too long had finally returned. He was all too glad to fill that missing piece. His eyes rolled back as he felt her clutch around him sending waves throughout his body. He grabbed her hips as she came, controlling her movements, letting out his own moans. Gasps of pleasure were escaping from his throat. They were performing a dance they were once well versed in, one they had done a hundred times before. Suddenly as they fell into rhythm it felt like a day had never passed in the years since they last had touched.

He flipped her to her back again, spreading her legs wide to thrust himself deep inside of her causing her to gasp in bliss. He knew she would not be done with him. He continued thrusting, his movements becoming faster, more erratic. Low moans were coming from his throat as he came closer but tried to hold back his climax. She could tell he was close to release, the tightening deep within her set to go off at any moment again too. Curses of pleasure were escaping from his lips. She gripped him tighter and tighter, fingers running across his back, clawing at it begging to pull him closer. His fingers were digging into the sheets behind her. He was ready to let go. At last he hit exactly the right spot, he still knew it well and she finally arched her back and released again, clenching down as deep pleasure emanated from her throat. Only a second later and he pulsed, burying his face in her shoulder, his own moans threatening to deafen hers. She pressed on his buttocks as his member throbbed spilling his seed into her belly. They laid still connected for a few moments, breathing heavily.

He withdrew and they both sunk into the sheets in satisfaction. He opened his arm motioning her to lay her head on his chest and wrapping the arm around her. He leaned down to kiss her forehead. He ran his fingers softly up and down her arm as she ran her fingers over his chest. As he laid there, he started to chuckle, she leaned up giving him a questioning look. “What is it? What’s so funny,” she smiled.

“Nothing. Just…never thought I would find myself here again,” he sighed. “I must have been an idiot to give up 5 years of this.”

“Are you sure you want to talk about how big of an idiot you’ve been because that would be a long conversation?” she laughed.

“I think you may be right, point taken.” He rubbed the back of his hand on her cheek as she leaned over him. “I meant everything I said you know,” he breathed. “I love you, I never stopped.”

She brought herself up to his lips kissing him. “I love you, too.” Her look turned to concern again. She still had to tell him the truth she had been hiding. She searched as she thought how she would explain. She had just got him back. Would this drive him away again? She laid back down on his chest, listening to his heart pound. She wanted to savor this moment in case another like it didn’t come again. For now, she would just lay here and bask in the glow she felt from his love.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a while to write, I wanted it to be perfect. It's my first time writing anything like this, so I hope I did decently. It makes my heart flutter. It's not as perfect as I wanted but I don't know if I could ever make it be.


	8. Chapter 8

The morning had passed quickly. It was already midday and Alistair had barely started his shift. He was back on duty and stuck again with his favorite member of the city guard, Stew, and he couldn't wait for it to be over. They had been on duty for an hour and the entire time the man had been relentlessly complaining about the few minutes Alistair had been late. He would have been quite grumpy if he hadn't been so distracted thinking about what had happened that morning. ' _What happened a few times, actually_ ,' he thought, quite proud of himself. He was having a hard time focusing on the job at hand to say the least, his mind was elsewhere. Saying goodbye was the last thing he wanted to do that morning and all he could think of was rushing back to Alissa the minute he was able. When this shift finally ended he had two days off and he planned on spending every second of it with her. This had to be one of the most torturous patrols he had ever experienced.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Alissa appeared in the distance. He smiled widely as he saw her emerge from the direction of her estate. She had more secret business to attend to, and he knew she would make sure her path crossed his before setting out. He swore he would get to the bottom of this little secret of hers quickly. He was not a fan of sneaking around, especially when it took her to shady parts of the city and led her to meeting with Maker knew what kind of people. He hoped she knew what she was doing.

He shook his head at himself. Only yesterday he had been denying all of these pent up feelings and now it was like a day had never passed and she had never not been his. He reminded himself what he had told Stew. He did not have a claim on her, no one did. She could do exactly as she pleased. They hadn't even discussed, well much of anything really that morning. The future was still up in the air. It was much like it had been during the blight. At that time they weren't sure if there would be a future to think about, but now that was all he could think of. He could only guess what she would want. She had her son to think of now too, and he was willing to be anything she wanted him to be to the boy. He only knew one thing for certain. He was not going to lose her, not again.

As she approached, her eyes were locked on him. Her smile serving as evidence of the morning's turn of events. He had not realized just how much he had missed that look. The look one gave their lover when they shared the secret of a passionate encounter.  _Like a cat that swallowed a pigeon. Or was it canary?_   _Doesn't matter._  Whichever it was, it was exactly what she looked like. He wanted to put that look on her face for the rest of his life. It was hard not to look at her and get flustered. Unfortunately he could feel a pair of beady eyes next to him, peering at him quite aware of just how focused he was on their approaching guest.

"There's yer little tart," he snarled.

"Sod off Stew!"

Alissa stood before the two with her arms crossed in disapproval. "Do you always argue with him like that? Just like a pair of boys" she said shaking her head.

Alistair grabbed her elbow, pulling her a few steps away to gain the small illusion that they had some privacy. They stood facing each other arms crossed attempting to stifle the upward curl of their lips. "So you're off on your little mission I take it?"

"Little mission?" she said glaring her eyes at him. "You're just upset I haven't told you what I'm up to."

"Well," he shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"You're lucky you're cute," she squinted.

"Oh I am quite aware of my handsome good looks and charm, thank you. How else could I have gotten you to love me twice?"

"How else indeed? Maybe it's all that royal blood that runs through your veins," she laughed.

"You just had to go there didn't you?" he groaned. "You'll be careful though won't you?" he said with concern. "I know you are a strong and very capable woman," he lowered his voice, "but outside of the bedroom you are not a goddess."

"Shush, you!" she said playfully punching him in the arm. "Ears!"

He put his arms up in defense "Don't hurt me! You forget I bruise very easily," he said with a pout.

"No I haven't forgotten, I plan on using it to my advantage," she smirked.

Alistair reached out to pull her a little closer, her arms were still crossed as he held her by both elbows. He leaned down slightly and spoke low. "I love you."

She looked up at him pressing her lips together trying to suppress her smile. "I know," she said with mischief.

"That's all I get?" he chuckled.

"You'll come back to see me after you're done here, right?" she said backing away.

"Of course," he said grabbing her hand and bringing it to his lips. "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Not this time."

"Good," she smiled walking backwards until her hand was out of his reach and he was forced to let it slip from his grip. "I look forward to it."

He turned bright red as he noticed Stew watching intensely and grinning widely. Alistair glared, daring him. "Not a word, Stew."

Stew cackled wildly as he patted him on the back. "Now I know why ye wer late."

* * *

As Alissa stepped away, she lifted the hood that hung behind her. She could feel Alistair's eyes still boring into her backside. As she turned a corner, sauntering out of his sight she was broken from the bliss she had felt only moments before and now only the sting of guilt hung in her gut. She had walked away from him yet again without telling him the truth. Clenching her eyelids together she breathed in and let out her next breath as a heavy sigh. She would have to tell him soon. Every second she spent leaving him in ignorance was a moment she selfishly stole from him.

Alissa opened her eyes, directing her gaze forward to the street. Whatever she was feeling right now would have to be forgotten for the moment. She had somewhere to be. Leliana had instructed her to arrive alone in a back alley close to the alienage. She would knock four times on the last door on the Eastern side of the alley. She stood at the door and her heart fluttered with nervousness for a moment. She was meeting with one of Leliana's associates, her candidate for their palace infiltrator. If all went well, this would be the start of the plan to insert an agent in Anora's ranks. After this there would be no going back. The risk she was taking was great. All the more reason to finally tell Alistair the truth. If something happened to her…

She shook her head. Finally gaining the courage, she brought her hand up and connected her knuckles to the door four times. A minute passed and nothing happened. She held her ear to the wood, hearing no movement inside. She wondered for a moment if she had the right door or if perhaps she had not knocked hard enough. She stepped away taking a more detailed look at what surrounded her. She had no idea what or who to expect when she had received the message from Leliana. She only knew where she was to meet and she hoped she had found the right location. Leliana shared no details about who to expect. The only thing she had said was 'You'll know him when you see him.' The door looked exactly the same as the rest in the alley. The street was strangely bare, not a single soul walked the dirt save her. It was too quiet for comfort.

The dead quiet broke and she could hear a door creak open behind her on the opposite side of the street. The entry to the building was clear, whoever had opened the door had disappeared from it quickly. She stood still for a moment afraid to move, but it was obvious the door had been left open for her. She felt her weapons at her back, readying herself to grab them if necessary. She stepped up to the door, peering inside. She could only see blackness.

She peaked her head through, one hand on the doorframe and the fingers of her opposite hand twisted around the hilt of her dagger. A far away voice whispered from the dark. "You won't need that." The voice was not at all familiar and it had no owner that could be seen. She could hear a match striking and a torch had been lit, faintly illuminating the room. She could see a figure now, small and faceless, covered by a cowl. Another door opened leading to a long hallway. "You will find what you are looking for at the end." Alissa nodded, replacing her dagger in its holster on her back. The door closed behind her as she stepped into the corridor, she looked back as she watched the light flicker out. Ahead of her at the end of the hall, light shone through the crack under the door. It lit the hallway enough to find the way and see that no obstacle stood in front of her.

As she drew closer she started to hear sounds coming from the room. Muffled laughter and music, growing clearer as she approached. She reached for the knob of the door, clicking it open with a twist. Slowly she pushed the door open, her eyes darted around observing the scene before her. The room had been turned into a sort of makeshift drinkery. Barrels about the room served as tables and characters of all sorts sat around them laughing and conversing, enjoying ale and some playing cards. Cautiously she stepped into the room, moving forward one step at a time looking nervously around at the patrons of the hidden tavern. She wondered which one was there for her.

She walked past, glancing at a dark haired elf lounging back with a drink in his hand. She stopped as she noticed a sort of familiarity in his eyes, carefully examining him through her peripheral vision. The elf chuckled and spoke. "Ahh, I was beginning to think you weren't coming."

She knew that voice, the sound of it brought her lips to a curl. She turned to him with her arms crossed. "Zevran. I should have guess she would send you."

He brought a finger to lips shushing her. "Quiet my dear. There are no names here."

She looked him over as she took a seat beside him. He looked nothing like the last time she had seen him. He had dyed his hair almost black and his long locks were gone. Even his tattoos had vanished, covered by some sort of makeup or perhaps spell. His clothing was very far off from the normally fashionable armor he wore. He was practically in rags. No one would notice him this way, he was just another elf. "What happened to you?"

He laughed softly. "What? You don't like?"

"If it gets you inside of the castle I like it very much," she smirked.

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table. "That is the plan isn't it? I pose as a servant. A weak and harmless house elf in service to the Queen, barely noticeable."

"How do you plan to pull that off? I mean besides all these theatrics," she said pointing to her hair.

Zevran quickly changed his posture to feigned fear and spoke without his usual accent. "Yes, miss. Right away your highness." He was almost unrecognizable. He sat back up with his usual smoothness and confidence. "How was that? Submissive enough for our Queen?"

"Quite convincing," she giggled. "I always took you for the submissive type."

"Yes, but you never let me show you, did you?" he quipped with suave.

She looked down smiling at her feet. "Who have you shown then? Leliana must have known you could pull it off. I've always wondered if you and she ever…?"

"Ever what my dear?" he feigned ignorance.

"You know," she said raising an eyebrow.

He leaned back on his chair, shrugging and he hung an arm around the back of his chair. "If I told you I would have to kill you, and we both know I'm not very good at that. Let's just save us both the trouble and leave it at that. Yes?"

"Fine, have it your way," she crossed her arms.

"Speaking of sex," he cut the chase. "You know I have a sense for these things. I seem to notice you have a certain glow about you today. What have you been up to?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she smiled coyly unable to hide her blush, completely giving herself away.

"I knew it!" he laughed largely and slapped his hand hard on the table. "Someone must have given you quite the ride for you to be smiling like that. I'm glad to see you are finally moving on. You should have let me take care of that years ago."

Her face sank and she looked up at him from her down titled face. "Zev, don't make me lie to you."

Zevran sighed. "I see… I knew he was in Denerim. It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? I had hoped, my dear, that you were smarter than that."

She blinked a few times staring down at the table. "I'm sorry to have disappointed you."

"So after all these years, all is forgiven and he finally knows the truth. Now you are back to fucking like little bunnies," he said with a bitter tongue.

She breathed in deeply pressing her eyes shut and shaking her head. Her chest grew heavy as the weight of guilt pushed on her again. Even Zevran, with his questionable morality knew the secret should have been shared by now. Her breaths became quickened as her heart raced faster. "He doesn't know."

Zevran titled his head to the side, looking at her through the top of his eyes. "Do you not think the man should? You crawl into his bed and keep lying to him? I am no fan of Alistair, but it just seems….wrong."

She looked at him sheepishly. "I know. I have to tell him."

"Then tell him," he reasoned. "What is so hard?"

Alissa had no words, there was no excuse now. She needed to tell him and soon. It could wait no longer. She had faced darkspawn, slain an archdemon, bore the pain of childbirth. This should be easy in respect. This was just something else she had to bravely face.


	9. Chapter 9

Alissa leaned against the stone wall just outside the palace, near the archway exit nearest the armory. She had placed the thumb nail of her right hand firmly between her teeth, gnawing at it while her eyes hung in a blank stare. She was nervous. She couldn't wait a minute longer than necessary for the conversation she had been avoiding. Her meeting with Zevran only made it seem that much more dire a need. She was deep in thought, trying to think of how she would even say the things needed to be said. She startled when she heard her name.

"Alissa? Is everything alright?"

She let go of the breath she had been holding unaware and her lips lifted to a weak smile. "Alistair I... I'm fine. I've just been waiting for you."

Alistair had shed his weapon and armor bearing the royal insignia and replaced it with his own leathers.

"Oh... I see, couldn't wait to get your hands on me,” he jested with a raised brow. “You frightened me, it looked like something was wrong."

She pushed herself from the wall, crookedly grinning. "I just have a lot on my mind, as you can imagine."

"I can imagine quite well," he said softly as he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around his neck looking into his eyes warmly. Alistair brought his hand to her face, running his thumb over her cheek as he gazed at her. He took her chin between his fingers and titled it up leaning down to press his lips to hers gently. "I couldn't stop thinking about you all day. I was worried."

The moment felt like a dream to Alissa, but it wasn't. He was really here. Suddenly she remembered why she was here, why she had been waiting for him. Her face dropped, her eyes clenching shut and she took a breath mustering her strength. As he held her in his arms and watched the change in her expression, Alistair wrinkled his brow with immediate concern. "Something is wrong? Tell me."

Alissa forced herself away and brought her eyes to her feet in the dirt, hugging her body. "Walk with me."

"Your wish is my command," he rasped looking at her curiously. Alissa moved forward toward the street, walking parallel to the wall that surrounded the palace. This part of the city was beautiful, reflecting its importance. The queen in her vanity kept a well groomed garden park in front of the palace, likely to keep her eyes from burning at the sight of the rest of the city’s dirt and ugliness. There weren’t many places like this in Fereldan. Highever had a similar, but more modest garden in its courtyard. This one was grand compared. The hedges were thick and trimmed to perfection, in the middle of the garden stood a large fountain that spouted cool water and mist from its top that trickled down several layers. Flowers of every variety spread throughout, adding color and fragrance.

She smiled demurely at him and let a chuckle escape from her lips as they walked together through the hedges. "I've missed this."

"So have I, Alissa. Very much.” He placed his arm in the small of her back, leading her away from the part of the garden he always avoided. Where the statue of who he called ‘the traitor’ stood near the front of the palace. Despite its beauty, he never lingered in the gardens too long for fear of looking on the statue’s face.  “What is all of this about? I can tell something is wrong."

"I just wanted to talk." They had escaped the gardens now and walked along the street where it turned from rock and gravel to packed dirt, taking a path that led toward the lower district of Denerim where the Chantry and market district lay.

Alistair stopped as they approached the bridge that spanned the river that separated the city into halves. He leaned over its edge resting his forearms on the stone rail looking down into the waters running quickly below. "What is there to talk about? I love you, you love me. I want to be with you. That's all that matters,” he shook his head.

Alissa turned her back to the stone railing, leaning on it with her arms still crossed in front of her. She looked to the road and then up to Alistair, searching his face. "Is that really all that matters?"

"As far as I'm concerned,” he stood up turning toward her and placing an arm at her waist tugging on her belt at her side while his opposite elbow rested on top of the bridge’s walls. “Listen, I...I know I can't make up for what I did, and I know you're afraid, but I swear to you I will never leave you again if you don't want me to. Do you...want me...to leave?"

She met his eyes and pulled him close placing a delicate kiss on his lips. "Of course not, but I think you know we have a lot to talk about.” Alistair wrapped his arms around her and pulled her head to his chest, resting his chin in her hair. She pulled back bringing her hands to his chest, running her fingers over his leather armor while watching them move over it. “Could we really just forget everything just because of what happened this morning? Yesterday we were nothing and today we're together. Just like that?"

"Yesterday we weren't nothing," he assert, a slight frown passing over his brow.

She broke their embrace and walked ahead slightly turning her back to him. "You're more right about that than you know."

"Wait, what is that supposed to mean?" He reached out to keep her from moving ahead. She obliged turning back to him, but refusing to meet his gaze. 

"It isn't supposed to mean anything, Alistair," She groaned as he looked at her suspiciously.

He brought his hand to rub his brow then dropped it quickly as he began. "Well you said we have a lot to talk about. Talk. Tell me what's on your mind. What's troubling you?"

Her eyes flutter as she thought for a moment. "If we are discussing any sort of future you have to know it isn't just about us, not anymore."

"Of course, you have a son,” he offered. “I think he'd be quite thrilled to have me around. You said he likes me."

She smiled and blew a short laugh. "You're right about that."

He stepped closer to her again, rubbing the sides of her crossed arms and stooping down to reach her downturned gaze. "And you're afraid if you let me in his life that I could disappoint both of you, and you'd do anything to keep him from getting hurt."

She titled her head up, meeting his eyes. "You seem to know a thing or two about this."

"Yes well, I'm not as dumb as I look, despite what Morrigan says," he scowled.

Alissa sighed and shook her head, looking gently into his eyes. "You don't look dumb to me at all."

"Listen, I will be anything you want me to be to Duncan,” he pled still squeezing her arms. “And I will never do anything to hurt you or him again."

She swallowed and her face turned to begging torment. "You swear? I have to be sure."

"On my life, Alissa," he vowed, holding his chest.

She was quiet for a moment and pushed away from him again. She leaned over the water, her eyes hazing at the glare of the sun off its surface causing her to squint. Alistair leaned beside her, sliding close until their arms touched. She took a quiet breath. "Do you still want to know? What you asked me about him before, do you still want to know?"

With his arms next hers, he moved his left hand over her right and stroked her fingers lightly. "It doesn't matter. I know whose child he is. He's yours and that's all that matters. I love you, and he's a part of you, so I love him."

He heart nearly stopped at the words. She could feel her eyes wetting. "I wish it were that simple."

He stood and turned around placing his back toward the water and crossed his arms. "Then who is the bastard?” He sighed at himself and rubbed his forehead with nervousness again. “Not that... there's anything wrong... with bastards. I am one, I should know," he shrugged.

She raised her eyebrow and smirked at him, turning to place her hand at her hip as she leaned on the bridge. "It’s funny you should say that."

His brow furrowed further. "What does that mean? You're being very...cryptic."

She breathed out, looking toward the water again, taking her head in her hands. "I'm sorry. This is just…it’s not easy to talk about. I've been putting off this conversation for a very long time.” She stood up again, bringing her hands in front of her lap and looked down picking at her nails. “Since the moment I saw you in the market. Longer than that really."

"Whoever he is hurt you, didn't he?" he said searching her face sympathetically.

She hugged her body again, looking down at the ground. The wetness in her eyes building, threatening to flow freely as tears. "Very very much."

"Did you...love him?" he rasped, almost afraid to ask.

She sniffled and wiped her nose, still looking down. "More than he knew, I suspect."

His mouth opened slightly in shock. He swallowed, causing his adam’s apple to bob. "W..would I know him?"

She looked up at him finally, looking into the depth of his eyes. Almost in accusation. "Very well."

Alistair could feel the heat rising in his neck, the muscles tightening as he angered. "Then who is he? And better yet where is he? Why isn’t he here?" he spat.

She considered for a moment whether to just burst out and say it, to scream it at him. How could this man not know or even suspect. She clenched her jaw and her eyes moved over his face. Anger built in her chest, anger she had been holding back for so long. "He is here. He’s standing right in front of me."

He was very quiet for a moment as he looked around, tried to piece together what she had just said, tried to make sense of all of it. "Wait, what?"

She found her voice faltering. “I’m looking at him.” She took heavy breaths watching his mind work.

His eyes went as wide as they had ever been in his life. He could feel the blood drain from his face. "Wait! What are you saying? That...that _I'm_ the bastard?" he yelled.

Her teeth bit the insides of her cheeks and she tried to retain control. "That's not the way I'd put it, but you said it, not me."

Alistair began breathing heavily, sputtering. "You're saying that I...that he...I'm his... his?"

"His father. You’re his father," she choked.

"But how?" he exasperated.

Her eyes rolled in annoyance. "Well, when a man and a woman..."

"Maker's breath, I understand that part!” he bellowed throwing his hands in the air. He leaned over the railing steadying himself as his eyes darted. “You’re sure?”

Her jaw dropped slightly at the accusation, resentment filled her voice. “I haven’t been with anyone else since I was with you Alistair. There is no other possibility.”

He breathed heavy as his confusion deepened. “I…I don't understand. How did this...I mean we weren't supposed to be able to right? That's why we were never careful. I...I didn't think we could. How did this... happen?”

She turned away gasping through tears. “I don’t know, it just did!”

He mouth hung open as he stared into her back. His eyes moved back and forth as he searched his own mind. Coming to the realization of the true gravity of what he had done those years ago. “How could I have ever...?” he choked on his words. He shook his head damning himself. “Andraste preserve me. I left you there, Alissa. I left you with my child.” He swallowed tasting the words as vomit as they came forth. “I abandoned you, both of you. How can you stand to even look at me?"

She brought the back of her fist to her hand breathing into it calming herself. She swallowed and pressed her eyelids together and used the fists and then her palms to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. "You didn't know."

"Why have you waited so long to tell me?" he panted.

"I was trying to protect him."

He was ashamed of himself, more than he had ever been in his life. He choked holding back tears. He reached to her, pulling her back into him and placing his lips to the back of her neck. "Of course you were,” he whispered into her skin. “I wasn't fit to be near either of you. Alissa I'm sorry. What have I done? What have I put you through?"

She turned back around, shrugging her shoulders as her hands still gripped her elbows. "Hell."

He stood, blinking at her. His face felt heavy, as if it would slide off his bones. "I don’t even know how to ask you to forgive me,” he whimpered. Turmoil and begging etched over his face.

She watched him with heavy breaths, swallowing whatever anger and pride remained in her gut. She fell into his arms. "You don’t have to ask. I do forgive you. I just want you to be his father."  

He gripped her tight, drawing her in, inhaling her scent. He held her face seeking the warmth of her lips with his own. He had no idea how to show his gratitude. He slid his hands to her back, wrapping his arms around her, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his roughened cheek to her forehead. His eyes opened quickly, realizing only one desire burned in his heart. "I have to see him, Alissa. I have to see my...my son."


	10. Chapter 10

*5 years ago, 9:31 Dragon*

Alissa looked down at her hand, watching her fingers stroking her swollen belly. The shape of the bump distorted as the child pushed out in response to her touch. It wouldn't be long now before he or she came into this world. For the moment she settled on calling it a 'he'. Something just felt more masculine when she thought about it.

The bitter sweetness was nauseating. Of course she did spend quite a lot of time feeling that way lately, it was not a new sensation. She wondered what it would be like when he finally came, to be happy and sad at the same time. She was alone and it was so easy to cry even without the hormones raging through her body. She gave in and let the tears come. The rest of her was puffy, why not her eyes as well?

Her body ached, and just as much so did her heart. She had been carrying the extra weight on both parts of her. For the rest of her life she would hold with her a part of the man who left them. There would be in front of her this part of him, the physical proof that she would always love him. And if the babe looked like him, she would be reminded of him each and every day as she was forced to look upon his face. It was overwhelming and almost more than she could bear. She hurt, and she would likely hurt forever.

* * *

*The Present, 9:36 Dragon*

Four days. That's how long it would take to get to Highever.  _If_  they were fast enough. Four days of agony, four days of wondering and anticipation. Alistair wondered how he would make it without jumping out of his skin. At least it gave him a lot of time to think. And that was all he could do. Think.

Alissa was in disbelief at the scene before her. It was like being transported in time, back to when she traveled so long ago alongside Alistair during the Blight. So very surreal, almost like being in a dream.

She watched him. They hadn't said much of anything since setting off. "Alistair, are you alright?"

He rode to her right, looking off and thinking perhaps. He looked very brooding. He snapped from his daze and looked at her. "Hmm? Oh I just…just having a ponder."

It was so unreal. They were just a few hours into their small journey, on their way to see  _their_ son. He finally knew he had a son. "You're worrying me," she confessed.

He was being very quiet and very sullen. She wondered what could be going through his mind. She supposed in the quiet, listening to the sounds of birds above them and the horses' hooves under their feet, he was finally given a chance to process it all. Alistair gripped the reigns of his mount tight, taking out his frustrations on its leather. This was already taking too long for his liking.

He shrugged, "I'm just wondering what I'll do when I see him," he said dreamily. "What I'll say."

She breathed in, the air escaping from her chest soon after as a heavy sigh. "Just do what feels right. You'll know when you see him."

He was scared, she could see it on his face as clearly as she could see his rather large but still very handsome nose. "What if I don't know," he fretted. "How do I do this? I don't know how to be a  _father_."

The word sounded so foreign to him. Not only had he never been a father before, he never even had one himself. How did they act? What did they really do? What were they good for? It seemed Alissa and Duncan had gotten along just fine without him so far.

Alissa didn't have an answer. She played mother and father for the last 5 years, but that was different. How could you really explain? Being a parent wasn't a way that you did things, it was how you felt. It was just something you were. You could feel it with every breath you took, in every decision you made. It was like an extension of your own body. It made you feel whole when you didn't know that you weren't before. And she took that from him for far too long.

"No one knows. You just…do it."

If only he knew how many times she had questioned herself. How many times she felt like she wasn't enough for Duncan. And really she wasn't. He needed his father.

"I don't know Alissa. I'm…afraid."

She couldn't blame him really. Most men found out they would be a father months before they became one. He only had a few days. At least he cared enough to be afraid.

"We have a few days, let's not spend the whole time worrying. I have no doubt you will be great Alistair. You only have to love him."

He grinned. "And I do. It's strange really. I barely know him, but I know that I love him. When I finally get to look at him and know that he's mine, I can't even imagine what that'll feel like. I've watched him, you know. Playing in the courtyard. I don't know how I never saw it."

"He looks so much like you Alistair. He has from the start."

Alistair's eyes dropped as he thought of her 5 years ago. She must have looked beautiful with her belly swollen. He would never get to see her that way or feel a life move inside of her that he helped create. The weight on his heart hung heavy thinking of the baby he never got to hold or smell or kiss. What would it have been like to cradle a small little life you knew you made? And the pain she went through to bring him into the world, he missed being able to comfort her through that too. "Alissa…I'm so sorry you had to do it alone. If I could go back…"

"I know," she said curtly. "I don't want to dwell on it."

Alistair tugged at his mount to slow him, reaching out toward Alissa's to stop hers as well. He needed to touch her, they had been too far apart for too long riding on their steeds. "Of course," he said leaning over desperate to kiss her. Their lips connected and he could feel the smile forming on her lips. It was a gesture she appreciated, that he would stop in the middle of anything just to kiss her and make sure she felt loved.

Looking around as they trotted forward again, Alissa wondered the hour. By now the sun was already setting. She supposed they would have to think about setting up camp or finding an inn soon. Thankfully the road they traveled to Highever was well patrolled and the danger was at a minimum, but after the sky went dark it was anyone's guess how safe the roads would really be. Not that they couldn't handle a bit of danger. They were together again, they could handle anything.

* * *

It always made Alissa nervous walking into an inn like this no matter how many times she had been on the road. You never knew what type of people would be staying at a random inn at any given time. Their travel during the blight had taught her to be wary. In those days there was always danger wherever you went. Some places, such as dark dirty old inns, could still prove to be just as risky as they once were. Just hopefully not this one. At least there was a gallant night at her side this time. Alistair didn't look quite so worried. She guessed he was just ready to rest for the night and get back on the road as soon as possible.

Alistair went to the innkeeper to arrange their quarters for the night. Alissa couldn't help but keep herself very aware of their surroundings as she followed behind him. She found herself taking note of how many people were sitting in the inn's tavern, which ones were looking at them, and which ones were drunk enough not to have to worry about. Most of these people were probably not locals. Locals always gave you a suspicious eye and the majority of the room barely glanced up before they went back to their drinks.

The innkeeper had just come from kitchens and was wiping his hands on his ragged and stained apron. "What can I do for you fine folk," he asked as Alissa slid beside Alistair where he leaned against the bar top.

"Any vacancy?" Alistair asked.

"You be needin one room or two?" the Innkeeper said as he eyed Alissa.

"Just the one will suffice," Alistair replied smirking over at her.

A drunken patron stumbled from behind taking a seat at a stool in the middle of the tavern counter. "The pretty one looks familiar George."

The Innkeeper squinted his eyes studying her face. "You know I think I do recognize you. You've been in here before?" the Innkeeper asked.

"I don't think so," Alissa replied shaking her head and looking away timidly.

"No," the drunk answered. "She's that Hero lass. Hero of Fereldan ain't ya? One of them Wardens that killed the archdemon," he slurred enthusiastically.

Alissa stiffened and turned a shade of pink. She knew the closer they got to Highever, the more people might recognize her. It was easy to stay anonymous in Denerim. She had forgotten she was well known for her deeds elsewhere. She swallowed. "I ah…I don't get that very often," she smiled weakly. "Most people call the other fellow that, the one who died."

Alistair shifted uncomfortably and looked down at the counter he leaned on. Even out here, away from Denerim he's still have to hear of Loghain and his so called brave sacrifice.

"You two both Grey Wardens then?" the Inn Keeper asked curiously.

Alissa glanced behind them cautiously, aware that a few patrons' ears had perked at the mention of Grey Wardens. Some people still blamed them for the devastation that the Blight caused. Especially those loyal to the Queen. Hopefully they wouldn't cause trouble.

"We used to be," Alistair said looking back up, his voice hinting at some annoyance.

The drunk spoke again. "Nah, this one still is. I seen her at Amaranthine last month. My brother in law has a weapons stand up there. I make his deliveries every few weeks. She was walkin round the keep with their Commander wearin that blue armor they all wear. Whole place was buzzin bout the Hero bein there."

Alissa's lips parted slightly. "You must have me mistaken for someone else," she said nervously with a shrug.

Alistair titled his head toward her, a furrow to his brow. There was a question in his eyes, but for now he didn't ask it. "Right. About that room?"

The Innkeeper nodded. "Oh that's right. We got one for you if you got the coin."

"We have it," Alissa said pulling out a small purse and tossing it at the Innkeeper. "Should be enough for some bread and stew as well if you have it." She lowered her voice. "And enough to keep quiet about two Grey Wardens boarding for the night."

The Innkeeper grabbed the bag, sticking his thumbs in the opening to pull it and glanced at the coin. "Seems about right."

When the door closed behind them an awkward silence hung in the air as they stripped of their gear. Alissa watched Alistair, wondering if he really suspected anything. He knew she had been sneaking around Denerim. Would he connect the two? She still didn't know how he would feel about her going back to the Wardens.

Alistair sat at a rickety chair near the door pulling off his boots. "What was that about?" he finally questioned looking at her suspiciously.

She considered answering him truthfully, but the timing didn't seem right. "Like I said, they must have mistaken me for someone else."

"If you say so," he said not entirely convinced. He decided he wouldn't press. Not tonight.

He stood and grinned at her as she pulled away her armor and sat it carefully on the table. She was down to just a tunic and trousers now. He grabbed her by the waist and went in for a kiss. With a growl he scooped her up and threw her to bed and tackled her, eliciting a squeal from her throat.

"Wonder what they'll think when they hear two Grey Warden's going at it?" he laughed, trailing kisses down her neck and tugging at her trousers.

Alissa giggled as he settled himself between her legs. "Do you plan on being that loud?"

"As a matter of fact I do," he rasped with deviance in his eyes as he ran his hand over the outside of her bare thigh and pressed his lips to the inside of it just above her bent knee. "Got to get it out of our system before we have to worry about a little boy in the next room."

Alissa ran her fingers over his cheek and through his hair, beaming at him as she looked at his honey eyes. "I love you," she whispered.

His pressed his lips to hers. "I love you too."

She raised her eyebrows. "Show me," she challenged with a grin.

He pressed his nose in her hair and put his mouth to her ear. "I'm going to make you scream," he said with a sultry breath hot on her neck.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update! They're almost there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Immense apologies that this chapter took so damn long to get out. I lost my muse for this story, it was gone completely. I had to work on something else until it came back. Finally I was able to get it out. I've never struggled like I did with this.

The very last stretch of the road to Highever. There was only one way into the city by land, and this was it. This was the part Alissa hated, the part she always faced with dread. She would never forget this road. She looked to the side, at the wild twisting formation of trees and weeds and bush. A perfect place to hide. She hid over there, years ago when she ran away from everything she had ever known. She was there hidden in the brush, running to preserve her life. Running away while her parents were slaughtered. It wasn't a selfish act, it was what they wanted. The night would be branded in her forever, still as clear in her mind as the day it happened. Maybe even more so since the fog of shock had lifted. 

The day before started out strange to begin with. Her father and brother were leaving, a Grey Warden was there to recruit, and she was left in charge of the castle.The screams and the smell of burning began shortly after the witching hour. She stirred, and knew something was wrong right away. She knew well enough to come armed. When she ran from her room, there were men there with swords. They bore a crest that she knew. Howe's men, they must be there to protect them, they were there to save them of course. But the first man swung, and the rest attacked soon after. There were no other men there, these were the attackers. She had never been so confused or horrified in all of her life. That night began a long journey that would lead her to more death, more pain, more gore, more life full of horrendous things.

On this road she remembered. There was the blood, oh did she remember the blood. That could not be forgotten. She remembered the puddle around her nephew, the blood drained from his body from the slit at his throat. She remembered the red as it soaked her mother's hands and knees when she dropped to the ground to cradle his limp lifeless body. She remembered the smell of flames and the sounds of swords clanking in the halls penetrating her ears. She remembered the blood that spewed forth from the chest of the first man whose skin she had ever pierced and how it splattered across her face in little droplets. She remembered finding her father and the blood that soaked his shirt and the gaping wound that spread across his belly. And the look on her mother's face when she realized the castle was lost and her father was dying, and how her face changed when she made up her mind to stay with him to die.

Then there was the feel of Duncan's hand wrapped around her arm as he pulled her screaming from her parents' side and how she cursed him and spat at him. She could still feel the sting of the slap he laid across her face to bring her to her senses. She remembered how the night wore in to the dawn and turned to day. And how they crawled through the dirt and grass in the hot sun, and she could still smell the putrid stink from the dried blood and gut on her skin and the flesh crusted in her hair. She remembered the feel of the weed as it ripped into her skin and cut her body, and how very tired she was, and how many times tears blurred her eyes and dried on her cheeks. She remembered the first time they stopped to finally rest, and how she leaned over the calm waters of a lake and saw her reflection for the first time and could see her sunken greyed eyes and the blood and soot and dirt smeared across her face. She remembered the burning as she scrubbed fast and hard and no matter how rigorously she did, she couldn't get her skin clean enough. Sometimes she still thought she could feel the blood staining her cheeks, embedded into her eyebrows, crusted under her fingernails.

Then she remembered the moment she realized it was all real. Her family was gone, her was home lost to a traitor, and she was soon to be a Grey Warden, conscripted against her will. And she remembered how in that moment she lurched into a bush, shaking and vomiting because that's all her body could do at the shock of it all. This is where it all happened, on this road.

She could feel the shaking come back and the memories flooded her senses. She was living it all over again, as she did each time she crossed this path. She gasped as she felt a hand grip her. Like Duncan had, but it was more tender this time. She swallowed and stared at Alistair, wide eyed and not entirely there. Alistair watched her. Her face had become so pale and afraid. He could feel her arm shaking under his fingers. She was somewhere else, somewhere painful. 

"Alissa, what's wrong?" he begged.

"I...," she swallowed again, looking at the dirt path ahead. "This road brings back...painful memories. This is the road we used the night my parents died. I don't know why, but it..."

"You and Duncan took this road that night. When he brought you to us. To the Wardens."

She nodded. She never spoke of what happened that night. Not really. He knew enough to know not to ask. For a long time Alistair hadn't known what had led her to the Grey Wardens. Not until she had formed her plan to take care of Howe did she even admit what he had done to her family. Alistair remembered the night she told him. It was probably the first time she had even said it out loud. He had cried to her over losing his mentor. And all the while she comforted him, kept quiet about her own pain, until it all came crashing out in one uncontrollable burst and then she never spoke of it again. Not even when she faced Howe did she speak of it again, he knew what he had done, she didn't have to say it, he knew why she came to kill him that day.     

"Is there anything I can do?" Alistair asked cautiously. 

"No, just be here with me." she said quietly.  

He understood, at least a little. He had suffered loss too. But there were some things he never even had, like a mother or a father. Maybe it was better that way, he thought. You couldn't lose what you never had. Now he was about to _be_ what he never had. Something he had been all this time and never known. He closed his eyes tight and swallowed, saying the words silently to himself.  _I 'm a father. I have a son._ Many times over the last few days he had repeated the words in his head, afraid if he let himself forget for even a second, it somehow wouldn't be true.

He opened his eyes and looked to Alissa again. He kept watching her. Alissa was so strong, it was difficult to see her when she wasn't. But that ability to be able to show her weakness now, that made him love her all the more for it.  And now, this road was bringing Alistair similar feelings of anxiety, for an altogether different reason. She had lost her family on this road, now he traveled to claim his. They were almost there, almost to Duncan. The reality of it all was finally, completely setting in. Castle Cousland could be seen in the distance now, its walls stood high and its towers loomed over it all. The first sight of it made him stop and gulp. He brought his hand up and wiped hard at the sweat forming at his brow, using his trousers to dry his palm after. He'd only have one chance to do this the right way. 

"You aren't going to be sick are you?" Alissa asked him, noticing his new green color.

"I, uh...no. I don't think so at least," he replied trying to laugh.

"You look awfully sweaty over there," she noted, teasing him.

"Very funny. You know I'm nervous," he said defensively. "Am I really that sweaty? I don't stink do I? I don't want to smell bad when I see him."

"You're adorable," she smiled.

"Great, that's exactly what I was going for. Adorable and smelly," he said sarcastically. "Sounds like you're bringing him a puppy instead of father."   

She giggled at him. "If Duncan were this grumpy I would have had to name him after that Mage in Ostagar."

"You remember that?" he said in wonder.

"Of course I do," she said softly. "It was the first time I saw you, I'll never forget."

Alistair laughed quietly. He was not good enough for this woman, but somehow he had won her love, twice over. The first time he saw her was not the same moment she spoke of. He'd seen her sooner. He never told her that he had spotted her long before. He saw her from a distance and watched her before he knew she was the new recruit. He had felt something even then, knew there was something special about her. She was barely 19 and not yet able to fill her armor, beautiful but she was so sad and distant to everyone who spoke to her, almost in a daze. He wondered what could have happened to her. But then they met, face to face and he saw her crack a smile and a little life came back to her eyes. He was so proud at the time that _he_ had been the one able to do that to her.

Then he learned who she really was and his gut sank. Duncan's new recruit? That meant she could be dead in hours. He tried his hardest to not look at her, to not watch her, to not enjoy being around her and laugh at her jokes and notice just how pretty she was. This creature was to be a Grey Warden? It seemed preposterous at the time, a complete waste and a damned shame. Surely she wouldn't make it. And then he took her to the wilds and saw her fight and it all made perfect sense. He tried his very hardest to guard himself at the time, he knew the risks that lay ahead for her. The joining could take her and if it didn't, there was still the battle ahead. But she survived, and then they both survived together, and then he fell for her. Completely, madly in love. He wondered how he could ever have left her when he did. He should have stayed by her side, always. There was no denying that he had been completely, utterly stupid in the not so distant past. 

"I love you, you know that right?" he breathed. 

"You've mentioned it a few times," she smiled

"Good. Because I do. No matter what," he said.

"No matter what?" she asked.

"Alissa. No matter what," he nodded.

She hoped beyond measure that he did really mean it. She still held a truth from him. A truth she could no longer hold inside. "I have to tell you something Alistair. Those men..."  

"Can it wait?" he said abruptly. "I...I just. I know you've been hiding something. All your sneaking around in Denerim, what those men said at the tavern...I'm not a complete idiot. But, my whole world is about to change. Just, one thing at a time. Whatever it is, we can deal with it later."

"Really?" she asked.

"Really."

Their horses came to a stop as they came upon Highever's gates. Two sentries posted outside the gates approached them. "Lady Cousland," the tall one said muffled through his helm. "We weren't expecting you for another few days. Should we alert the Teyrn of your arrival?"

"Yes Ser Trace, I think that would be best. Please inform him I bring a companion," Alissa replied. 

"Right away m'Lady," the guard said, snapping his fist to his chest in a salute. "Wait here while we prepare your escort." 

Alissa nodded and gave the man his leave. It was a minor annoyance, but protocol for her arrival had to be followed. Her parents always maintained the formality of their position and she would do the same.  

"Fergus will want to speak with you first," she said turning to Alistair while they waited.

He knew it was coming, he'd been preparing his speech in his head for days. "Of course. I was a bastard, I know how all this works. The law says Duncan is his charge. I'll have to go through him if I want to see my son," he said trying his best not to sound bitter about it. But the man had been raising his son for him, he had no right to be bitter, did he? He swallowed, even more nervous now than before. 

Alissa attempted to calm his fear. She was sure there was nothing to worry about. "You've never met Fergus before. He is a kind man. He wanted me to tell you, from the start. He'll support my decision."

Alistair nodded curtly. "I've heard that your brother is a good man. I hope after all is said and done he thinks the same of me. Though I don't blame him if he hates me, after what I've done to his sister." 

"You have nothing to worry about," she replied softly. "He doesn't blame you, he knows I made the decisions that led to it all. He knows I was foolish." 

"You know that's not true. You did what you had to. I'm just glad we won't ever be forced to make those kind of decisions again. I'm glad to be rid of the Wardens." 

He watched her face drop, she looked close to being sick. Suddenly, his suspicions roused. What she had just said, she had started to tell him something. Was this it? She had been sneaking around Denerim for weeks, insisting upon secrecy. Wardens were not welcome in Denerim. If one were there, they would have to hide what they were. The men at the tavern had recognized her, and he just remembered one had mentioned he'd seen her at the Amaranthine, the Grey Warden's headquarters in Fereldan. She denied everything, but she got nervous at the accusation. That was it then, this is what she had been hiding from him. 

"Alissa? That's it, isn't it?" he breathed.

She didn't move, she didn't speak. She only stared blankly, pained immensely. 

"We aren't free of the Wardens. You're still a Grey Warden," he said simply.

Her face remained unmoving and a shadow passed behind her eyes. "We will always be Grey Wardens, Alistair. We can't just stop and wish the taint from our blood."

"You know that's not what I meant. How could you lie to me? Again?" he said, voice cracking.

Tightness ran across her brow, pleading for him to understand. Her throat caught as she tried to speak without letting wetness fall from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but..."

"But you were so used to keeping secrets from me, what was one more?" he bellowed. He took a deep breath to calm himself. Then his voice lowered to almost a whisper. "No more secrets Alissa. Not ever."

"Alistair, I'm sorry," she whimpered, gasping through the tears she could no longer hold.  

"Just, forget it," she shook his head. "I'm angry, but this doesn't change anything. Let's just...let's go see Duncan. We can deal with this later."

"That's it?"

"Damn it Alissa, you're lucky I love you. Yes, that's it. I meant what I said. Let's just go," he sighed. 

"Alright, Alistair," she said weakly. 

* * *

 

For close to an hour Alistair had been locked in this office, waiting for the Teyrn to finally grace him with his presence. He was probably enjoying making him sweat it out in this windowless room, he was sure of it. A small punishment for years worth of grievances. It gave him too much time to think, too much time to stew over what Alissa had told him an hour before. He didn't want to think on it, not right now. The woman's timing was always off, as was the Teyrn's it seemed. What in the world was the man doing that was taking so long? They said it would be just a few moments, he hadn't even bothered sitting because he thought he'd come soon. Damned nobles and all their...

"Pardon my lateness," a man said opening the door with a loud creak. He was tall and slender, his hair exactly the shade of his sister's. He was definitely related to Alissa, the resemblance uncanny.

"Not a problem. I believe I'm the one whose late, by about 5 years or so," he said laughing weakly.

"Alissa said you liked to joke," Fergus replied dryly. 

"Was that a joke? I can hardly tell anymore," he said blinking. 

"Have a seat Alistair," Fergus motioned. 

Well, he was certainly a tough audience. No patience for jests obviously. "I don't suppose you thought you'd ever meet the likes of me," Alistair said taking a seat.  

"I hoped someday I would," he nodded with a finger thoughtfully running over chin.

Alistair cleared his throat nervously. "Well, you wanted to see me. How does all of this work?"

"Well I'm sure you know the gist of it," he said sitting up, straightening his back. "Since my sister is…unmarried, the law places Duncan as my charge. I could keep him from you if I wished, but I don't want to do that. But you also must know that if you plan to formally claim him, it places us in an awkward position with the Queen.”

"I’m not afraid of Anora. Besides, she made it very clear when she let me live that neither I nor any of my heirs had any sort of claim to the throne and I think I prefer it that way. Still, I won’t say I wouldn't enjoy watching her squirm.”

"Wouldn't we all," Fergus laughed warmly. "What role _do_ you plan to take with him?"

“His father of course, and any responsibility that comes with it,” he answered quickly. 

Alistair watched the mans eyes narrow and his look become questioning. "Does that mean you intend to marry his mother?" the Teyrn asked.  

Alistair swallowed. "I...I didn't think we would be approaching the subject so quickly. We haven't discussed it, but yes, if she will have me. And if we have your blessing of course." 

"Good," he nodded, showing he was pleased. "But you're right, there will be time to discuss that later. One thing at a time." 

"Does that mean I can see him then?" 

"Yes. Just one more thing first," Fergus said becoming solemn. "I just…I want you to know how lucky you are that she has given you this chance, that you have this chance at all. I had a son who was taken from me, I would have done anything for him. But I failed him. Just promise me you will do the same for Duncan, do better for him than I did for my own son. If he had not come into our lives, I don’t know that I would have been able to ever be whole again. Promise me you will take care of him. Show him how to be a good man.”

 "I swear on my life. I will protect Duncan, at any cost," Alistair said, his voice catching.

"Good. He's with his mother in the courtyard. They're waiting to see you, just through that door."  

Alistair took a deep breath, staring wide eyed at the handle from his seat. He only had to turn the latch and his life would be changed forever. He stood and moved toward it, feeling his own heartbeat rising in his ears and he reached for the door. This was it, now or never.     


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short, sweet and fluffy. It's hard to put into words how you feel as a parent, but I tried. 
> 
> Next update may take a little longer, but it's all outlined, conversations are written, mostly editing and adding the details. I've got a prompt challenge I have to buckle down and complete then I can re-focus on Alistair, Alissa, and Duncan. Enjoy. Hope it's satisfying.

* * *

 

Alistair stood and moved toward the door, stopping just short of turning the handle. He looked at it blankly, almost as though he was attempting to see through it, to see what waited on the other side. He had seen his son before, this wasn't their first time meeting, but somehow it felt like it. He was about to look at him with different eyes, with a father's eyes. He hated himself for not seeing it before, the guilt of it stabbed at his gut. The guilt of all of it, of missing Duncan's whole life and wondering if he could ever make up for it.

Alistair took a deep breath and twisted the latch. The door opened with a small click and Alistair's eyes flooded with light. Looking around he found himself in the courtyard garden. There were plants obviously, since it was a garden. Hedges and bushes and small trees created a path. Everything that wasn't green was made of the same grey stone, the same stone that was throughout the entire castle. It wasn't a uniform grey, you could tell some pieces were newer than others. Extensive repairs must have been made since what happened at the start of the Blight.  

Alistair moved further into the garden, hearing a faint trickling of water. He peeked around a hedge and saw a fountain making the noise. The fountain was large around, but shallow, the water spouting no higher than the height of his shoulder. On each side of the fountain sat a bench, and on one bench sat a very lovely dark haired Lady and her son. Alissa and Duncan waited for him. The little boy's hair was a tawny color. Not quite brown, not quite red, not even blonde, but somewhere in between all of them. He'd seen that color before. In a mirror.  _How did you not know, Alistair, you twat?_  The boy was small, but in all actuality very large for his age. He could pass for 6 or 7 despite seeing only 5 years in this world. Alistair had been like that too, he was strapping even as a boy and built sturdy. No one could ever accuse him of being scrawny. What they could accuse him of though was being a damned fool. What kind of person doesn't recognize their own flesh and blood? 

Neither of the bench occupants had looked up yet. The little boy sat on the bench swinging his feet, fiddling with a leaf and a stick while his mother ran her fingers over his hair gingerly. Alistair watched as she put her thumb to her tongue and used the spit to wipe a smudge from his little boy's face. If he was anything at all like his father, Duncan had probably been rolling in the dirt. As he approached he could hear them talking quietly, though he couldn't make out what they said.  They were whispering and snickering together and it was obvious each had been missed during their time apart. A lump caught his throat as he watched them. He never had a mother, he always wondered what it was like. All of the women in his life had been distant or cruel until Alissa. And how had repaid that kindness but to leave her alone with his child. 

Alistair stepped closer, feeling his legs becoming the consistency of jelly. Sheepishly he cleared his throat and gained their attention. They both looked up.

"Mummy, look! It's Alistair!" the little boy gasped. Alistair's lips parted in wonder. He watched his son's eyes light.

Alissa turned around, her cheeks flushed. "I see," she replied, looking at him with eyes just as bright.

"What's he doing here, mum?" Duncan tried to whisper.

"Why don't you go and ask him," she laughed, urging him forward. 

Without hesitation, the boy ran to him, intent on griping his leg just as he had in the market. Alistair stooped to catch him and lifted him into his arms, pulling him in tight. For a moment he held him there in his arms, feeling a warmth and a fullness wash over him. This wasn't real, was it? This was his child. It felt like he had never not loved him. Suddenly this little thing in his arms was what held him to the ground, what made every breath matter, what made every past mistake a distant forgiven thing. Now was when life began, suddenly it had been pieced together. He was here now and he was never going anywhere else. 

Alissa stood watching with a sense of awe. Alistair watched her brows lift together, and her hand was held to her chest rising and falling. She pressed her eyes together and quietly tears wet her cheeks. This was a moment she had dreamed of for the last half of a decade, to see her son in the arms of his father. It seemed like a distant dream, something she pined for that would never come to pass. Against all chance and rationally, they had been brought together.   

"Hey buddy," he said, trying to hold back tears, however unsuccessfully. "I came to see you."

"Really? You came to see me, Alistair?" Duncan said excitedly. 

"That's right," he said, trying not to sound too weepy.

"Will you play with me?"

"Of course I will," he said, returning the boy to his feet. "Let me look at you first." Alistair ran his hand over the boys shaggy hair, ruffling it, watching the familiar color fall back into place. He ran his thumb over Duncan's smooth chubby cheek, studying his face, committing it to memory. He never wanted to forget this face. Their features were similar, though Alissa was there too. In the cheeks and the eyes he could see her. Duncan's eyes were the perfect blend of the dark brown of his mother and the golden brown of his. And they were so big and beautiful like Alissa's, they sparkled like stars and were surrounded by long dark lashes. His messy hair fell to his eyes and Alistair brushed it away.  "You've grown since I saw you last. You're so big!" 

"That's because mum makes me eat all of my supper," Duncan said proudly.

"Good," Alistair laughed. "You should always eat all of your supper. What was it the Chantry sisters used to say, starving elves in alienages and all that?" 

Looking up he saw Alissa wiping her face. It was a wonder they weren't both bumbling messes. He rose and reached out to her. "Thank you," he breathed as she wrapped her arms around him, sinking into his chest. "I love you," he said pressing his lips to her brow. "I'm more grateful than you will ever know."

"I love you too. I'm the one who should be grateful," she choked.  

"We'll talk later, alright?" he said softly. "I just want to enjoy this for now. I don't want to spoil it. No talk of Wardens or Queens or any of that business, okay?" 

"Good," she nodded, losing all composure there in his chest.   

* * *

Three days. Three glorious days he had spent with his son. What more could a man ask for? They had played together, rolled in the dirt, ate supper together, told stories. Everything a father was supposed to do with his son, except call him his son. They hadn't tried to explain who Alistair was to him yet. It didn't feel right to spring something like that on him, not right away. They needed to know each other first, to be friends. He was just a little boy. Alistair wasn't sure he would even understand.

Alistair had spent the last few days doing quite a lot of staring. He couldn't help it. His son was a wonder. He watched the little things he did, chuckling when something was particularly amusing or too bloody adorable all you could do was laugh. Duncan looked at everything with intensity. They'd walk the beach and he'd find the tiniest little shell to show him, or a little rock he liked the shape or color of. In the garden he talked about the different kind of the leaves and insects his tutor had taught him the names of, or he'd show his father how he could walk on the edge of the fountain without falling in, while holding someone's hand of course. And he laughed so much, and it was the most infectious little laugh, the sound of pure innocent joy that couldn't help but spread its happiness. Alistair did everything he could think to make him laugh, it was his favorite sound in the world and he wondered how he ever lived without it.

Finally, there was a moment they sat quiet. Supper would be soon and they'd both worn themselves out, all that was left was to be called to the table. Sitting in front of the fountain, they talked. And something felt...right. Like the moment he'd been waiting for the past few days. Alistair just hoped he wouldn't lose his nerve or just end up confusing the poor boy.

"Duncan," Alistair began to ask. "Has your mummy ever told you anything about your daddy?"

"Oh yes," the boy nodded enthusiastically. 

"Well, what did she say?" he continued. 

He thought for a moment, scratching his little chin. "Oh, I remember! She said I have the same hair color."

"And it's a very nice hair color indeed," he said tugging at his locks. "What else?"

"Mmmm...," he hummed, thinking some more. "She says I'm very handsome like my daddy."

"I have to agree with her there. You are quite handsome," he chuckled. "Did she say anything else? Did she...," he looked down at his lap. "Did she tell you why he had to go away?"

"Mum says that he was very brave and he wanted to stay with us but he had to go away. She says he had a very important job, and maybe one day he would come back."

"Your mum is very kind," Alistair sighed. They sat for a few moments in stillness. At least as much stillness as you could expect from a boy of 5. There was lots of fidgeting and movement from his side of the bench. Alistair gazed at his son thoughtfully, trying to think of a way to say what he longed to share with him. He could see in Duncan's face that his little mind was working too and he wondered what the little boy could be thinking.   

"Alistair?" Duncan said, titling his head. 

"Yes Duncan," Alistair answered, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him close. 

"Can I ask you a question?" he said, looking up at his father. 

"Of course," Alistair answered with a nod.

The boy was quiet for a moment. His nose wrinkled as he thought.  

"Are  _you_  my daddy?" he asked plainly. 

For a second Alistair was speechless. "What?...wh... What makes you say that?"

"Well," Duncan shrugged. "Because you seem very brave and because you guard the city and that's an important job. And your hair is like mine. And, well... mostly because I saw you kiss my mummy and only daddies do that," he giggled. 

"Is that so?" Alistair said smirking. 

"That's what my friend Charlie says, and his daddy kisses his mum all the time," Duncan explained.  

"You're very smart, do you know that?" he mused. 

"I guess so," the boy said.

"Modest too," Alistair laughed.

"What's that?" Duncan squinted. 

"Never mind, it's not important," Alistair said stroking his son's cheek. He continued softly, his voice catching slightly and coming out rough. "What is important is that...well...yes Duncan, I  _am_  your daddy."

"Really? You're really my daddy, Alistair?" he exclaimed, jumping up in his seat. 

"Yes," Alistair said pulling Duncan to his lap, so they could see eye to eye. "I am. And you should know that I love you very very much, and I'm very sorry I was gone for so long."

"That's okay," Duncan replied and planted a kiss on his father's cheek. "Does that mean you're going to stay with us forever now?"

"Yes, I promise, I'm not going anywhere," Alistair said, trying to hold himself together just a little longer. "And if I do, you're coming with me." 

"And mum too?" Duncan asked.

"Yes mum too," he laughed, sniffling. 

"That sounds like fun," the boy said.

"It will be, Duncan. We're going to have lots of fun together."

"Alistair," Duncan said, embracing his father fully, wrapping his small arms all the way around his neck. "I'm glad you're my daddy."  

* * *

 


End file.
